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LYAO -
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Golf Jokes
A young gal is golfing and is stung by a bee. She runs back to the clubhouse, where the Pro happens to be standing.
"I've been stung by a bee," she cries.
"Where? he asks.
"Between the lst and 2nd hole," she replies.
"Perhaps your stance was too wide," the Pro said.
*****
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, that he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee, and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
*****
Rules of Bedroom Golf
- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
- The owner of the hole MUST approve play on the course.
- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
- For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. (Course owners are permitted to check shaft for stiffness before play.)
- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length, so as to avoid damage to the hole.
- In some cases, and at the owner's discretion, playing or entry fees may be required.
- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. The experienced player will normally take their time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they are currently playing to the owner. Upset course owners have been known to severely damage a player's equipment for this reason.
- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for protection.
- Players should not assume the course is in playing condition at all times. Players may be embarrassed to find the course is temporarily out of service. Advanced players will find alternate means of play.
- Players should assure that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played. Previous players have been known to be irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.
- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back-nine.
- Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace the owner's request.
- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. The course owner will be the SOLE judge of who is the best player.
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Priorities
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was becoming very ill. The doctor told them that the father was dying of cancer.
The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health or death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right. But I don't want those guys sleeping with your mum when I'm gone."
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The Operation
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be. uh ... what's the word ... uh, castrated."
The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"
The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my ... "
"Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"
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Absolutely-True Newspaper Headlines
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies in House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
- Stud Tires Out
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- 2 Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
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PC Definitions for Men
- He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
- He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
- He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
- He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
- He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
- You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
- He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
- His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
- He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically Related American.
- You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
- He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
- He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
- He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
- He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
- He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
- He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
- He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
- He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
- He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
- He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
- He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
- You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
- He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
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Down in the Boondocks
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
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Not so Classified Ads
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
- For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
- Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
- And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
- Air Conditioning inspection: If you're hot, give us a call.
- Come inside and I'll check out your rear end.
- Come on in for a lube job.
- Private party, public welcome.
- Congratulations to the bride in her room.
- We're in the yellow pages, just look up skirts.
- For stomach upset and indigestion, try Mylanta for a-- relief. (supposed to be gas)
- Sign at a tire distributor ... "Come in and get tired with new rubber."
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Adam's Good and Bad News
One day, God comes to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God says.
Adam looks at God and says, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explains, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaims, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looks upon Adam and says with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active:
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen their photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
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No Sex on Wednesdays
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests shows nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has sex.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
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A Raffle at Work
One day a women arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later, after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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