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LYAO -
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Trick or Treat
There were these two black children trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one, Robert turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."
They dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
The old man at the door peered down at them and said, "And who are you?"
"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.
The man shook his head. "You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.
Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go as Little Boy Blue."
So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.
Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be this time?"
"Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said.
The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue, they were white." Again he slammed the door on their faces.
Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped Francine out of hers.
When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.
"Well, what do we have here," he asked.
"Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without!"
***
[While not a "stereotypical" joke (unless you call the old man a "redneck"), I'm not sure if this one shouldn't be classified as such. I love that the kids (black or not) pulled one over on the curmudgeonly old man. I understand why they couldn't be white children. While I, personally, find this one funny as h-ll, it also bothers me a little, and I'm not sure why. What do you think? -LYAO Editor]
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Are You Listening, Charleton [Heston]?
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
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Top 10 Signs that Your Child has Grown Too Old for Breast Feeding
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
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Quick as a Wink
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
"However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry ... we can't hire you."
"But wait," he says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms . Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good. But this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well, then how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo Mama's so fat, her senior pictures were all aerial views.
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Quote of the Day
Many people may think of themselves as a drop of water in an ocean, but when that drop hits the water, it makes a ripple.
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51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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A Hair-Raising Story
A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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Top 10 Things men SHOULD NOT say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me??"
3. The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!!
And the number one thing men should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat a-- into that.
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Good Advice
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
A Time Management Example
A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget:
As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered over-achievers, he said, "Okay, time for a quiz."
He pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked them, "Is this jar full?"
Everyone in the class said, "Yes."
Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar, causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"
By this time, the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered.
"Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted.
Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is this: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
What are the "big rocks" in your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.
So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: "What are the 'big rocks' in my life or business?" Then, put those in your jar first.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Pluggin' the Pumkin
[URBAN LEGEND ALERT - See
http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.asp
--LYAO Editor]
Dixon, IL-
Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. McCarter will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles ... at least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to ... satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the Dixon Municipal police car approaching, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's ... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect, looked me straight in the face, and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn ... is it midnight already?'"
Taylor arrested him, but said that the suspect accepted his predicament in good humor. "I have to give him credit ... that was a quick comeback." Taylor said of the man's comment. Taylor summed up the event with one statement ... "Seven years I've been patrolling this area; this was a first."
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Limerick Contest
Below are the results of a Limerick Contest in which the participants were required to use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick.
Contestants' Entries:
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky*."
(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)
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Payback's a B-tch
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such a big pecker.
"Well," she said, "cut it off as close to his body as you can, then put it up his a--."
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt you old f-cker."
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3 Hillbilly Men
A waitress walks up to the table of three hillbilly men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?"
One of the men replied, "We're all real hungry, ma'am!"
She responds, "But why are you whacking off?"
One of the three says, "Because the menu says, "First come, first served!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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