---

| Home | LYAO Audio | LYAO Pix | Fun Links | Site Map |

---

LYAO -

----------

A Competitor for the Quayle Award

This is pathetic ... very funny ... but extremely pathetic!!
[Not MY comment, but true! --LYAO Editor]

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"Bitch set me up."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!!""

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

----------

Hungry?

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

+----------------------------+ | Cheese Sandwich:     $1.50 | | Chicken Sandwich:    $2.50 | | Hand Job:           $10.00 | +----------------------------+

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

----------

Indy driving range

Basic Rules for Driving in Indianapolis (Subject to change at any time):

• Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light.
• When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
• Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
• The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
• Learn to swerve abruptly. Indianapolis is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
• Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
• Double-park in the North End of Wal-Mart, unless triple-parking is available.
• Always look both ways when running a red light.
• Honk your horn the instant the light changes, and instead of letting off the horn, just hold it until the car in front of you is out of sight.
• Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding and passing ... especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
• Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
• Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

----------

God is an Iron
[The title is from a book by Spider Robinson. The quote is something like: "If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron." (In other words, God indulges in Irony. --LYAO Editor]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb, and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic. If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

----------

Little Johnny's in Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday, but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

----------

LOTA Quiz #1

This test does not measure intelligence, your fluency with words, creativity or mathematical ability.

It will, however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility. In the three years since the test was developed, few people have been found who could solve more than half of the 27 questions on the first try. Many, however, reported getting the answers long after the test had been set aside, solving ALL of the questions over a period of several days. Take this as a personal challenge.

Instructions: Each equation below contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Furnish the missing words. For example: 60 = M in an H, would be: 60 = Minutes in an Hour.

Good luck!

1.	26 = L of the A
2.	7 = W of the W
3.	1001 = AN
4.	12 = S of the Z
5.	54 = C in a D (with the J)
6.	9 = P in the SS
7.	88 = PK
8.	13 = S on the AF
9.	18 = H on a GC
10.	32 = DF at which WF
11.	8 = S on a SS
12.	200 = D for PG in M
13.	3 = BM (SHTR)
14.	90 = D in a RA
15.	4 = Q in a G
16.	24 = H in a D
17.	1 = W on a U
18.	5 = D in a ZC
19.	57 = HV
20.	11 = P on a FT(A)
21.	1000 = W that a P is W
22.	29 = D in F in a LY
23.	64 = S on a C
24.	40 = D and N of the GF
25.	80 = D to GA the W
26.	2 = # it T to T
27.	101 = D
Extra Credit from your LYAO Editor
28.	50 = W to LYL
29.	6 = S on a SG
30.	1 = I the LN
31.	21 = D on a D
32.	16 = O in a P

Click here for the answers

----------

Quote of the Day

LIFE IS AN ATTITUDE - HAVE A GOOD ONE!

----------

[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

----------

Vengeance Is Mine!

Two high school sweethearts, who went out together for four years in high school, were both virgins. They enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other, and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl, and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, she took a Polaroid picture of her naked and sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables, and sent it to her old boyfriend, with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, he was pissed. What he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, Having a great time at college. Please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

----------

Just How Mean, Rough, and Tough Were You Looking For?

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got 'er," replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker, and the barkeep handed him two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found 'er." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might like to open those beers first."

----------

Reasons E-Mail Is Like A Penis:

• Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
• Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
• Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
• Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy"
• It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
• In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
• If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
• If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
• We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
• If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
• And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
• If you play with it too much, you go blind ...

---

| History | About | Warnings/Alerts | News | Editor Updates | Site Map |

---

LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website. Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO will have to "go through me".)