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LYAO -

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[I apologize in advance for the length of this Special Edition LYAO. All of these laws came to me within a couple of days. Since all were "Laws of ... " types, I decided not to break them up. I hope you don't mind.

I was not as thorough in cleaning out duplicates as I normally am, so there may be some. I know you will see people and situations you know in this/these list(s). I did. Have fun. --LYAO Editor]

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Laws Of Computer Programming:

• Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
• Any given program costs more and takes longer.
• If any program is useful, it will have to be changed.
• If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
• Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
• The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
• Program complexity always grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
• If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
• Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
• If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
• Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
• Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
• A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
• (Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology) There is always one more bug.
• It is impossible to make any program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
• When things are going well, something will go wrong.
• When things just can't get any worse, they will.
• Anytime things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
• Test functions and their tests should be reproducible -- they should all fail in the same way.
• If it looks easy, it's tough.
• If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
• You always find any bug in the last place you look.
• Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
• A terminal usually works better if you plug it in.
• If all else fails, read the documentation.
• If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
• No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
• What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
• Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
• Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
• No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
• Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.
• If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker than came along would destroy civilization.
• Programmers will act rational when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

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Laws, Axioms, Principles, and Corollaries

Cooke's Law

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Law of the Perversity of Nature

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Ross's Law

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.

Simmons's Law

The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.

Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Avery's Rule of Three

Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language

The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

Canada Bill Jones' Motto

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Harvard's Law

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Fett's Law

Never replicate a successful experiment.

von Braun

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Phil White

It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

Roger H. Lincoln

There are two rules for success ...

1. Never tell everything you know.
2. ...

Merkin's Maxim

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Anthony's Law of Force

Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation

1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
3. Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Arthur's Laws of Love

1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry

A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Barach's Rule

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Baruch's Observation

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's Principle

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of

1. a date,
2. his wife,
3. a better looking and richer male friend.

Boling's postulate

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom

Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law

You always find something in the last place you look.

Boren's Laws

1. When in charge, ponder.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in doubt, mumble.

Bradley's Bromide

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

Brewer's Observation

No good deed goes unpunished.

Brook's Law

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Brooke's Law

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Bucy's Law

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Cahn's Axiom

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Captain Penny's Law

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Chism's Law of Completion

The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law

When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's Commentary on Man

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Colvard's Logical Premises

All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary

This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Conway's Law

In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.

Corollaries:

1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Denniston's Law

Virtue is its own punishment.

DeVries's Dilemma

If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom

If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emerson's Law of Contrariness

Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary

If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination

Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed

Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's First Law

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law

No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to

1. misinterpret it,
2. fake it, or
3. believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Finagle's Fourth Law

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finster's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

First Law of Bicycling

No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First Law of Procrastination

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics

Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History

History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

Flon's Law

There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flugg's Law

When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, Naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror

The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:

Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision

It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:

1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery

If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics

1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Ginsberg's Theorem

1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability

Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Gold's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Goldenstern's Rules

1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gordian Maxim

If a string has one end, it has another.

Grabel's Law

2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Grandpa Charnock's Law

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Gray's Law of Programming

`n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `n' tasks.

Green's Law of Debate

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Greener's Law

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

H. L. Mencken's Law

Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension

Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Hacker's Law

The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics

1. The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
2. Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.
3. Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Harrison's Postulate

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley's First Law

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

Hartley's Second Law

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Heller's Law

The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hlade's Law

If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Hofstadter's Law

It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horngren's Observation

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Howe's Law

Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ...

Jacquin's Postulate

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Johnson's Corollary

Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.

Kramer's Law

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Lieberman's Law

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law

`n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.

Lynch's Law

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mason's First Law of Synergism

The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

Meade's Maxim

Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.

Muir's Law

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Naeser's Law

You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen

Cleanliness is next to impossible

Oliver's Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are.

Putt's Law

Technology is dominated by two types of people:

1. Those who understand what they do not manage.
2. Those who manage what they do not understand.

Ralph's Observation

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Corollary:

On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Sausage Principle

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

First Law Of Advice

The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

First Law Of Communication

The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.

Second Law Of Communication

The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

First Law Of Innovation Management

Change is the status quo.

Second Law Of Innovation Management

Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

Third Law Of Innovation Management

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Second Law Of Decision Making

Any decision is better than no decision.

Third Law Of Decision Making

A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.

Third Law Of Survival

To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Fifth Law Of Decision Making

Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization, but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the decision-makers.

Parallels To Murphy's Law

1. Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
2. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
3. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

Putts-Brooks Law

Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.

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More of Murphy's Laws

• A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A free agent is anything but.
• As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
• Exceptions always outnumber rules.
• Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
• If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
• If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
• If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
• Interchangeable parts won't.
• Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
• Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
• Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
• Quality assurance doesn't.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
• The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
• The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
• The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
• The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
• The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
• The one item you want is never the one on sale.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
• The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
• When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
• When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
• Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
• You never want the one you can afford.
  • [Corollary: You can never afford the one you want]

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Stones' Law

You can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you get what you need.

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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