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LYAO -

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What's Your Lucky Charm?
[Originally from http://www. xstories .com/, Jokes section - site is now a gambling site.]

Don't cheat! Before you read on, choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below:

Pink hearts

Yellow moons

Orange stars

Green clovers

Blue diamonds

Purple horseshoes

Those icky oat bits

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Ok. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!

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An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true -- just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shapes are:

GREEN CLOVERS

• You're a happy-go-lucky type in bed.
• You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you.
• You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

BLUE DIAMONDS

• Your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind.
• You probably have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms.
• You most likely file their nails while making love.

ORANGE STARS

• You expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause.
• You probably have mirrors over your bed, not because you are turned on by watching what is being done, but because you want to be able to watch yourself having a good time.
• You often moan out your own name while making love.

PINK HEARTS

• You're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he or she is too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables
• You like to have candles burning in your bedroom but you tend to place them in a pentagram design on occasion.
• You read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

PURPLE HORSESHOES

• Your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped
• You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swing sets, and chocolate pudding.
• WARNING TO OTHERS:
  • Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes -- she's/he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?
  • Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

YELLOW MOONS

• You're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own.
• You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or non-verbally.
• You most likely own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want you to tie them up and ravish them.

THOSE LITTLE OAT BITS THAT AREN'T MARSHMALLOWS AT ALL

• You probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article.
• You are probably an accountant, a librarian who works at the reference desk, or a government employee
• You like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music.
• You have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

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In Praise Of Older Women
[Originally, from http://www .xstories .com/, Jokes section - site is now a gambling site.]

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?"

An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse.

A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date.

A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ...

which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar.

This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

An older woman is into free sex!

An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her.

The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one.

A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married.

In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.

Older women have jobs with dental plans.

Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her."

She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation.

An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date.

A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

Older women know how to cook.

Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends.

A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas.

Older women are psychic.

You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years.

Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.

Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified.

They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced.

They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up.

A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends ...

... and most of them will want to screw you, too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth ...

... because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

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I'm Not Who You Think I Am!

Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada, and arrives at the airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my, God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"

Father O'Malley looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset, so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing, sir -- Oh my, God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you idiot. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back, Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs, a full open bar, and complimentary prostitutes."

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Uhh ... Thank you . Thank you very much!"

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You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When ...

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans with your teeth..
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named "Joe."
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it isn't plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says. "How are you?," you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• Your three favorite things in life are ... Coffee before, Coffee during, and Coffee after.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. drip hookup.
• Your e-mail signature line says "What do you mean, caffeine isn't a vitamin!"

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Be Careful What You Ask For

In the middle of a forest, a hunter was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive."

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[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

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The Perfect Day ...

... for Her

8:15	Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30	Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45	Breakfast in bed: Fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15	Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00	Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30	Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00	Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45	Notice ex-boyfriends wife has gained 30lbs
1:00	Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00	Nap
4:00	3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15	Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30	Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30	Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00	Hot shower (alone)
10:30	Make love
11:00	Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15	Fall asleep in his big strong arms

*****

... for Him!

6:00	Alarm
6:15	Blowjob
6:30	Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00	Breakfast: Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30	Limo arrives
7:45	Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15	DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30	Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45	Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45	Lunch: 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15	Blowjob
12:30	Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15	Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30	Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15	Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30	Land World-Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00	G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked girl
6:45	Sh-t, shower and shave
7:00	Watch CNN: Newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole; Al looks real cold.)
7:30	Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00	Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30	Sex with three women
11:00	Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45	Bed (alone)
11:50	12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55	Sleep

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Little Boy in Bathroom

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.

She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard,

"1,2,3,4,5,6.7."

She was very happy ... until one day she checked and heard,

"3-5,3-5,3-5,3-5,3-5,3-5."

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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