---

| Home | LYAO Audio | LYAO Pix | Fun Links | Site Map |

---

LYAO -

----------

Lesson in Logic
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]

Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."

Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Man: "So what is it you do for a living?"

Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University. I teach deductive reasoning."

Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Man: "That's right."

Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Man: "Right again."

Neighbor: Since you have a family, I deduce that you have a wife."

Man: "Correct"

Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."

Man: "Yup"

Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."

Man: "Cool."

... Later that same day ...

Man: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."

Neighbor 2: "Oh yeah? What does he do?"

Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a doghouse?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Man: "Fag."

----------

Quote of the Day

When I was thin, men had hair.

----------

Little Johnny on Motivation

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill"

"Congratulations, you may go home," said the teacher.

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you ... "

Before she was able to finish, another young lady exclaimed, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good, you may go."

Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the upset teacher demanded to know who said it.

Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton, I'll see you on Monday."

----------

The Highest of High-Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He dials numbers -- like a telephone -- on his hand, and begings talking into it. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood, and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guys says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand, because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says, "Prove it."

The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room."

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst -- given the tough neighborhood -- the bartender goes into the men's room. There stands the guy. He is spread-eagled on the wall, his pants are pulled down, and he has a roll of toilet paper is up his butt.

"Oh my god," said the bartender, "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns, and says, "No, no ... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

----------

Helga's Thirsty

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gudness, it's hot," she mused, as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have.

Helga said, "Yanno, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?"

Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell, fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?"

----------

As It Should Still Be!!!
[Please note: This section was titled by the person who sent it to me. I did not name it. --LYAO Editor]

The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal -- on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust-cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT'S:
   • Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
   • Don't complain if he's late for dinner.
     Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

----------

[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

----------

Bawdy Q & As

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?

A. Speed bumps.

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

----------

Interpretive Skills

As with most of these "tests", answer all of the questions before you scroll down and check the answer.

What am I?

1.	I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2.	I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3.	I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
4.	Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5.	You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6.	When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7.	A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8.	All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9.	I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
10,	If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11.	I offer Protection. I get the finger five times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12.	I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13.	My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
14.	I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

Click here for the answers

-----------

Guilty as Charged
[WARNING… You'll find out what type in a second]

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard, You're a veterinarian."

----------

"When I Say 'Jump'. You WILL 'Jump'!"

A young man joined the Army and was assigned as a paratrooper. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from a plane. The next day he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" the father asked.

"Uh, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" questioned the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he would kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So he pulled down his zipper, and took his penis out. I swear it was about 10 inches long and as big as a baseball bat. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Just a little, at first."

---

| History | About | Warnings/Alerts | News | Editor Updates | Site Map |

---

LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website. Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO will have to "go through me".)