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LYAO -
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Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren't:
10. Nuts! My shaft is all bent!
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the heck out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired
AND . the number ONE thing that sounds dirty in golf, but isn't ...
1. Hold up ... I need to wash my balls first!
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Superman's Day Off
Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting, and wanted to go out and party.
So, he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second, and flew off happily.
Meanwhile, on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my a-- hurts like hell!"
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The Real Meaning of Personal Ad Shorthand
First The Women
- 40-ish -- 48
- Adventurer -- Has had more partners than you ever will
- Athletic -- Flat-chested
- Average-looking -- Ugly
- Beautiful -- Pathological liar
- Contagious Smile -- Bring your penicillin
- Educated -- College dropout
- Emotionally Secure -- Medicated
- Feminist -- Fat; ball buster
- Free spirit -- Substance user
- Friendship first -- Trying to live down reputation as slut
- Fun -- Annoying
- Gentle -- Comatose
- Good Listener -- Borderline Autistic
- New-Age -- All body hair, all the time
- Old-fashioned -- Lights out, missionary position only
- Open-minded -- Desperate
- Outgoing -- Loud
- Passionate -- Loud
- Poet -- Depressive Schizophrenic
- Professional -- Real Witch
- Redhead -- Shops the Clairol section
- Reubenesque -- Grossly Fat
- Romantic -- Looks better by candle light
- Voluptuous -- Very Fat
- Weight proportional to height -- Hugely Fat
- Wants Soulmate -- One step away from stalking
- Widow -- Nagged first husband to death
- Young at heart -- Toothless crone
The Male Side of the List
- 40-ish -- 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
- Athletic -- Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
- Average-looking -- Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
- Educated -- Will always treat you like an idiot
- Free Spirit -- Sleeps with your sister
- Friendship first -- As long as friendship involves nudity
- Fun -- Good with a remote and a six pack
- Good-looking -- Arrogant
- Honest -- Pathological Liar
- Huggable -- Overweight, more body hair than a bear
- Like to cuddle -- Insecure, overly dependent
- Mature -- Until you get to know him
- Open-minded -- Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
- Physically fit -- I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
- Poet -- Has written on a bathroom stall
- Spiritual -- Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
- Stable -- Occasional stalker, but never arrested
- Thoughtful -- Says "Please" when demanding a beer
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Talk About Being Sandbagged!
A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that!"
The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand."
Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.
This sequence is repeated every week for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something. It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo Mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
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Quote of the Day
Life is like a hickey.
It feels good at first, then it gets big and ugly, and then slowly fades away.
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Who Says Blondes Are Dumb?
There was a blonde and an attorney seated beside each other on an airplane. The blonde was napping and the attorney was thinking about how he could cash in on her stupidity. So, he tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you'll have to pay me $5.00. Then you can ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.00."
She thought for a moment and then said, "Sorry, no thanks," and went back to sleep.
The attorney again tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I'll tell you what. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $10.00." Again she declined and went back to sleep.
After a few minutes, the attorney tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Okay. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50.00."
She thought about it for a minute, and said, "Alright, I'll play. So, if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll pay you $5.00, but if you don't know the answer to my question, you'll pay me $50.00."
The attorney agreed.
He began with his question. "Who was the commander of the French-Indian War?"
The blonde thought for a moment and finally she reached into her purse and pulled out $5.00, which she handed to the attorney.
Then it was her turn to ask the question. She said, "What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four legs?"
The attorney thought long and hard, but couldn't come up with the answer. He opened his laptop computer and checked all his trivia resources to no avail. He picked up the air phone and called everyone he thought might know the answer, but no one could help him.
Exasperated, he finally said, "I give up," and he handed her a crisp fifty dollar bill. She placed it in her wallet and went back to sleep.
After a few moments, he turned to the blonde, and said, "Okay, what was the answer to your question?"
She then reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the attorney.
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Pope Out of Control
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'Aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser, son? I need to take out this "C."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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How Drunk Do You Have to Be?
[BEASTIALITY WARNING]
Three men have a very late night drinking Guinness. They leave in the early morning hours and go home separately. They meet the next day for an early pint, and compare notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
To which the second guy replies, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaims, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all look at each other for a moment. Then the first guy says: "Guys, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
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What to do? What to do?
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire whichever of them came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem: I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
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What a Catch
A lady is out on her 25th story balcony of her high-rise apartment building watering some plants. She accidentally trips over her garden hose and falls off of the balcony. As she's hurdling to the ground she thinks to herself, "This is repulsive! What a hell of a way to die."
Suddenly around the 20th floor two arms reach out and catch her.
The man who catches her asks, "Do you give head?"
"Oh, I could never do something like that," she replies. Out she goes --he throws her back out the window.
She's once again heading to the ground at a great rate of speed, when about the 15th floor another set of arms reach out and catch her.
This time, the man who catches her asks, "Will you spread your legs for me?"
"Oh, I could never do something like that," she replies. Out she goes, as he too, throws her back out the window.
Heading to the ground she thinks to herself, "If only I had one more chance, I'm not ready to die, yet!!!"
10th floor, 2 more arms, she's caught again.
She replies, "OH, THANK YOU FOR RESCUING ME!!! YES, I WILL GIVE YOU HEAD!!! YES I WILL SPREAD MY LEGS FOR YOU!!! YES, YES, YES!!!"
"Slut," he replies, and throws her back out the window.
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Tradition
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Click! Click! Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok! Great! But where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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