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LYAO -
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Health Club Boogie
An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean body builder. "I'd like some information about the club."
"Well," says the body builder, "This is a great club. We have a number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year."
"$5,000!!!!" the old man nearly passes out.. "We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of," says the body builder, "But before you enter you'll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club."
The old man thinks about it for a moment, and figures, "Why not?"
The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. Suddenly, a gorgeous, naked blonde runs over to him and proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.
An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000. "You know," says the body builder, "You have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?"
The old man tells the story, "This place is great. I haven't had an experience like this in years." Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar.
Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar. While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a gay man.
After a 10 minute experience with the gay man, the old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder.
"But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?"
After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. "Think about the women you can meet. Don't let this one incident affect your decision."
"Son," says the old man, "I get an erection maybe once a month, but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!"
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Birth Control Pills CAN Help You Sleep
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and then I sleep better at night."
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Keep That Motor Running
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black!"
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Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat off their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch
Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick.
A handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then, bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch
Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.
Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.
YUMMMM!
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Four Sons
Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, says how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift."
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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Strange But True
[I haven't checked these out, yet ...
Watch Orange Frog Productions, Rumors]
- If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to hear one cup of coffee.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- You cannot kill yourself by holding your breath.
- Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
- Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10th of a calorie.
- On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
- You're more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
- A crocodile cannot stick it's tongue out.
- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
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Small World
Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So, the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"
To this he replies, "Your mistress is my wife, and my wife is playing golf with my mistress today."
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Deserted
Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde have entered a contest to see which could cross the Sahara Desert first. Aside from water, they may each bring ONE item to help them achieve this competition.
Upon reaching the desert, each lady had one item with her. The brunette had a piece of paper, the redhead had a brown grocery sack, and the blonde had a car door. Confused all three women looked at each other and laughed.
The redhead asks to the brunette, "Say ... What exactly are you going to do with a piece of paper?"
"Well," says the brunette, "I figure when I get too hot, I'll fold this piece of paper into a fan and fan myself." She then asks, "So what exactly do you think you're going to do with a brown grocery sack?"
"Well," says the red-head, "I figure when I get too hot, I'll simply place the sack over my head and tear out a place for the eyes, and that will block the sun's rays."
They both turn to the blonde, and one of them says, "Okay, now she has a fan, which makes sense, I have a bag for blocking the sun, which makes sense, now WHAT in the world could you possible hope to achieve by bringing a CAR door with you?"
"Boy ... You two sure are dumb," replies the blonde. "When I get too hot, I'll just roll down the window."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Bawdy Q & A
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long
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And the Bid is …
A woman woke up and told her husband about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last night's dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
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Chili
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Jon-Jon loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Davie was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jimmy was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my a-- up just one more time."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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