![Welcome to LYAO-Online [Banner]](images/edged-lyao-banner.gif)
LYAO -
----------
The Runner
A woman is having an affair during the day, while her husband is at work. One day she is in bed with her boyfriend, and she hears her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yells at the boyfriend, "Hurry, grab your clothes, and jump out the window! My husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looks out the window and says, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"
She says, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he lands outside, he finds himself in the middle of a "running Marathon." So he starts running along beside the others, except that he is still in the nude and carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asks him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answers, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes! It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asks the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nude man answers breathlessly, "Oh, yes! That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asks, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude answers, "Only if it's raining."
----------
Beer Me Diet
FACTS [Not checked]
- A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
- The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
- alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
- Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possible additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
- The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
- On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
- Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer ---perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
- Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY
Eat junk food and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY
Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY (a.m.)
Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.)
Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.)
Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year, except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY
Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log-book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting!!!
----------
Fly Me Away
Bob and Sue had been married for many years. Sue was an extremely tight person with her money. very tight. Bob had always wanted to go flying in a plane, and the desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into their small town offering rides for $10. Bob would always ask, and Sue would always say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars," and the two would argue and argue.
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much time left, so he took Sue out to the flying show, explaining it's free to watch. Once there, the feelings became very strong, and he asked if they could just take one flight. "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars," Sue said.
Sue and Bob started arguing where the small-town pilot overheard. He listened to their problem and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you both up flying. If you do not enjoy your ride, then it will be free, but I don't want to hear a peep out of either one of you, or you have to pay ten dollars."
Sue said, "You won't hear a peep out of me OR HIM because ten dollars is ten dollars," as she clenched her fist at her husband.
So off they flew. The pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane would go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Not a word . Not a peep. As the ride was ending and they were heading back to the airport, the pilot turned and noticed that Sue was missing. "What in the world happened to your wife?!" asked the pilot.
"Well, I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
----------
Vase
A woman and her friend are sitting in the kitchen, chatting, on a Friday afternoon. The woman looks out the window and sees her husband coming up the walk with a big bouquet of flowers.
She turns to her friend and says, "Oh hell! He's bringing me flowers, again. That means another weekend on my back with my legs up in the air."
Her friend looks puzzled and says, "What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?"
----------
Getting Into Heaven
One day a mom is being driven nuts by her young son's behavior.
She snaps at him saying, "How do you ever expect to get into heaven?"
The little boy fidgets and thinks a while and says, "Well, I'll run in and out, and keep slamming the door 'til they say 'Come in or stay out!' and then I'll go in!"
----------
Only in America
Only in America …
- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke
- do banks leave both doors open, then chain the pens to the counters
- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
- do we use answering machines to screen calls, and have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
- do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli," in Latin meaning "many," and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"
----------
New Sweetheart
A young man wants to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Birthday. As they have not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decides a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he goes to Nordstrom's, and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister purchases a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the items, and the sister gets the gloves, and the sweetheart gets the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man seals the package, and sends it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
----------
Computerese
[Amazing the changes in computers in just a few years, huh? LOL -LE]
- Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding
- The name is Baud, . James Baud.
- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- Access denied--nah nyah nah nah nyah nah!
- C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay .
- Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
- E Pluribus Modem
- ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the etherbunny
- A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
- An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
- CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
- 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
- Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
- SENILE.COM found ... Out Of Memory . . .
- Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
- Ultimate office automation: Networked coffee.
- RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
- Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...
- All computers wait at the same speed.
- DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
- Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to continue ...
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ...
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
- E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
- Help! I'm modemming ... and I can't hang up!!!
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
- DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
- Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
- Press any key ... No, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit ...
- Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
- REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
- Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
- Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
- Read my chips: No new upgrades!
- Hit any user to continue.
- 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
- I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
- Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
- Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
- Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
- Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
- Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
- Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
----------
[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
----------
Those Donuts
[Racy]
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut without using her hands.
----------
Be Careful What You Ask For
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, and he is to select his first punishment. They walk down a hallway with a number of closed doors.
The devil opens the door to first room, which has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.
It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now, you've been relieved."
----------
That's a Ba-a-a-d Dog!
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]
A gay man walks into a straight bar with a huge, mean, German Shepherd on a leash. The man strolls up to the bar and says, "Um-m-m-m-m-m, yes-s-s-s, I'll have a Shirley Temple with a twis-s-st please."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve queers in this bar, now get out before I throw you out."
The gay man looks at the bartender, and says, "Look! My dog isth a trained killer, and at the sthnap of my finger he will rip you to shreds. NOW GET MY DRINK!" The dog starts to growl, and the fur begins to stand up on his back.
The bartender slams his fist on the counter, and says, "Look, either get your queer a-- out of my bar, and take that mutt with you, or I'm going to throw your a-- out into the street!!!" The bartender grabs his baseball bat. The dog starts growling and snarling, and it's all the gay man can do to keep him under control. The gay man and the dog walk to the door, as if to leave, and the bartender says, "That's what I thought, FAGGOT."
The gay man stops, and turns around, and says, "GET HIM!" as he turns the dog loose.
The beast takes off running right toward the bartender. He is foaming at the mouth and jumping over each table in a single leap to get there. The dog lands on top of the bartender bringing him to the ground and it bites the baseball bat right in half, as the bartender screams! The dog looks into the bartenders eyes, and the bartender looks back into the dog's eyes with nothing but fear.
The dog growls and growls, then finally says to the bartender, "B O W S I E - W O W S I E!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO
as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website.
Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to
and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO
will have to "go through me".)
