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LYAO -
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News Flash
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
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Quote of the Day
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
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Genuine Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
- I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.
- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
- When the work men were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy!
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Ten Things You'll Never Hear .
Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Man Say
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey, since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; Sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football; Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions; I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale; 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
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National Condom Week Slogans
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on.
List of possible slogans promoting national condom week
- Cover your stump before u hump
- Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
- Don't be silly, protect your willy
- When in doubt, shroud your spout
- Don't be a loner, cover your boner
- You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
- If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
- If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
- If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
- It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
- She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
- If you go in heat, package your meat
- While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis
- When you take off her pants and blouse, zip up your trouser Mouse
- Especially in December, gift wrap your member
- Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
- Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
- The right selection will protect your erection
- Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
- A crank with armor will never harm her
- No glove, no love!
- If you're gonna have it off, have it on
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A Camping Funny
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But, when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely,
(Campground Owner)
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The 24 Best Responses If Found Asleep At Your Desk
24. "Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!""
21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
13. "I'm doing the Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
9. "I was working smarter, not harder."
8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
7. "I'm in the management training program."
6. "The coffee machine is broken."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the work-a-holic!"
2. "It's okay ... I'm still billing the client."
And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
1. " ... and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
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A Dictionary for Women
Submitted [from where the sender got it] by L Sorent
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair-Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions. He gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ... breath ... push ... "
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim. But will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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Some Truths About Airlines
(For anyone who has EVER been on a plane.)
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
- There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane .
- Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.
- We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew, and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
- Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
- Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
- And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
- As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
- Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA . !"
- "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
- As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
- Last one off the plane must clean it.
- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight ... !"
- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault ... it was the asphalt!
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please, remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines!"
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The Most Beautiful Flower
[INSPIRATIONAL ITEM ALERT]
The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read
Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree.
Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,
For the world was intent on dragging me down.
And if that weren't enough to ruin my day,
A young boy out of breath approached me, tired from play.
He stood right before me with his head tilted down
And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!"
In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight,
With its petals all worn not enough rain, not enough light.
Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play,
I faked a small smile and then shifted away.
But instead of retreating he sat next to my side
Placed the flower to his nose and declared with surprise,
"It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too.
That's why I picked it; here, it's for you."
The weed before me was dying or dead.
Not vibrant of colors: orange, yellow or red.
But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave.
So I reached for the flower, and said, "Just what I need."
But instead of him placing the flower in my hand,
He held it mid-air without reason or plan.
It was then that I noticed for the very first time
That weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.
I heard my voice quiver; tears shone in the sun
As I thanked him for picking the very best one.
You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play,
Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day.
I sat there and wondered how he managed to see
A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree.
How did he know of my self-indulged plight?
Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of that child, at last I could see
The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
All the times I had been blind, now I see beauty in life,
And appreciate every second that's mine.
And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose
And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose
I smiled as I watched that young boy, another weed in hand
About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.
If this message has inspired you, or touched you in any way, or if you feel that it can brighten up someone else's day, please forward it. (Author Unknown)
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Let's Be Careful Out There!
[This story came to me as a true story, from people who deal with malls all the time -- Ok, from someone at my former place of employment. I have no reason to doubt its veracity. [Ooops! - see below] Pay attention, ladies (and gentlemen)! --LYAO Editor]
[URBAN LEGEND ALERT - See below)]
***
This is creepy but true!
A woman was shopping at the Tuttle Mall in Columbus. She came out to her car and saw she had a flat. She got her jack, spare out of the trunk. A man in a business suit came up and started to help her.
When the tire had been replaced, he asked for a ride to his car on the opposite side of the Mall. Feeling uncomfortable about doing this, she stalled for awhile, but he kept pressing her . She finally asked why he was on this side of the Mall if his car was on the other.
He claimed he had been talking to friends. Still uncomfortable, she told him that she had just remembered something she had forgotten to pick up in the mall and she left him and went back inside the mall.
She reported the incident to the mall security and they went out to her car. The man was nowhere in sight. Opening her trunk, she discovered a brief case the man had set inside her trunk while helping her with the tire. Inside was rope and a butcher knife!
When she took the tire to be fixed, the mechanic informed her that there was nothing wrong with her tire, that it was flat because the air had been let out of it!
The moral of this story:
- Learn to change your own tire;
- Call someone you know and trust to help you; or call mall security in the first place to assist you.
- Please Be Safe ... and not sorry.
- Although this happened in Columbus, it could happen anywhere.
Just a warning to always be alert!
Pass this along to every woman you have access to. Never let your guard down. Good story for women to know about, although with the NUTS in today's world, everyone needs to be careful (not just women).
***
[Looks like back in 1998 I fell for the "forwarded from an 'authority'" syndrome -- where an email is forwarded and forwarded and somewhere along the way, picks up a signature from or is forwarded (as this one was) from a place of business who should KNOW if a story is true or not.
Remember: Even those who are in (or have the appearance of having) positions of authority sometimes forward emails, passing along something they KNOW is not true to others who also KNOW (for the irony/laugh), but sometimes they or one of those who receive it will forward it on to friends or family who don't KNOW otherwise.
A quick check on Snopes in 05/2006 found:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/madmen/hairyarm.asp
where it states that among MANY "Danger at a Mall" U/Ls, the STORY told above is the only one that comes close to being true. HOWEVER, it did NOT actually happen at a Mall, let alone the Tuttle Mall in Columbus, OH.
Read all the items Snopes has received to research about malls, and their analysis.
And, just because THIS story is an URBAN LEGEND/NOT TRUE, doesn't mean you shouldn't be and don't have to be alert and aware, EVERYWHERE. -LE]
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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