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LYAO -
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Fun Stats ...
[These have not been verified -LE]
- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
- 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
- The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
- 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
- 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet.
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet . 17% have been caught by the host.
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
- 29% of us ignore RSVP.
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped . 14% with the opposite sex.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone.
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
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You HAVE to ASK?
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your Mother home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?"
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That Old Black Magic
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The neighbors, who feared the man the most, constantly heard him say, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic, and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared, and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died, abruptly, under strange circumstances one day, and the funeral home had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions was becoming extreme, so her neighbors approached in a group to ask several questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died, he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The widow put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
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If Women Ruled The World ...
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Little girls would read, "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
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[DRUM ROLL, PLEASE ... (Cymbal Crash!)]
Presenting. The 1998 Darwin Awards
[Comments from message forwarders:
- "[This] should brighten your day, as none of us are this STUPID!"
- "So I confess - these may not be true, but I love them ... always makes me feel better."]
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
[And to think. We're not even 3/4 of the way through the year, yet! --LYAO Editor]
***
1998 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
- In September, in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
- In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
- Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
- In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc,CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free to saw the hole in the ceiling) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
- According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
- Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth, and pull the trigger.
- In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
- In September, a 17-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(Ineligible for the award, as these stunts did not result in death.)
- In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
- In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
- Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, due to the explosion in their car of a quarter-stick of dynamite. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
- Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."
and SOME MORE ...
- Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first on a new job and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
- TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
- La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped over the dog and sat right down on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr.Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there"
- TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
- BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
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The Confession
[An Encore Presentation from 6/10/1998]
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
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Better than TV
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon, one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
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The Candidates
[This is a version of a "CIA Assassin Applicants" from LYAO of
6/11/1998. It was good then, and it's still good! --LYAO Editor]
The CIA is seeking candidates for the position of field agent. On the day in question they have three applicants to interview. Each applicant is instructed to bring his wife with him to the interview.
Before the interview the applicant and his wife are instructed to wait in a small room that is connected to the interview room by a door. When the applicant's turn comes, he is directed to leave his wife in the room and go through the door to the adjoining room for his interview.
The first candidate is a recent college graduate, in his early twenties. He enters the room and takes a seat. A Colt 45 Automatic pistol is lying on the desk.
Interviewer: "As you know the CIA is responsible for the security of our nation. The job you are seeking can be difficult, and requires unquestioned loyalty and obedience to orders."
Applicant: "I don't have any problem with that. I have just completed four hard years of college, and I can do anything."
I: "Good! Pick up the pistol that is on the desk between us, go into the next room, and shoot your wife."
A: "No Way!! I love my wife. We have only been married for a few months and she is most important thing in the world to me. I cannot do that."
I: "Interview terminated, next applicant."
The next applicant enters the room and sits down. He is a man of about thirty with some experience in law enforcement.
I: "As you know the CIA is responsible for the security of our nation. This job you are seeking can be difficult, and requires unquestioned loyalty and obedience to orders."
A: "That isn't a problem. In my years as a police officer I have learned the value of following orders. I can, and will, do so."
I: "Good! Pick up the pistol that is on the desk between us, go into the next room, and shoot your wife."
A: "You've got to be kidding! I couldn't possibly do that! She is the mother of my children. I love my wife and children. You must be out of your mind!"
I: "Interview terminated, next applicant."
The final applicant enters the room. He is a man of about forty five, a little gray around the temples, with more than a few miles on him.
I: "As you know the CIA is responsible for the security of our nation. This job you are seeking can be difficult, and requires unquestioned loyalty and obedience to orders."
A: "I can do that!"
I: "Good! Pick up the pistol that is on the desk between us, go into the next room, and shoot your wife."
The applicant picks up the pistol, goes into the next room, and two rapid shots are heard. Following a few moments of silence, all hell breaks loose in the room. The sounds of screaming, furniture being destroyed and glass being broken is heard.
Finally, the room grows quiet, the door opens, and the applicant reenters. His clothing is torn, and he is scratched and bloody. He sits down at the desk.
I: "My God man! What happened?"
A: "Some idiot put blanks in that pistol. So I had to strangle her!"
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Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued, and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry, and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So, off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. She put the costume away and got into bed wandering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked "What kind of time did you have?"
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you ... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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More Computereze
486
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art
Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete
Any computer you own.
Microsecond
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3
Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard
The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
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Michael's Millions
[I didn't get a date on this, and have no idea of the amount of money originally involved. I believe the author is talking about the 98-99 season (see one of the references, below). But, Michael hasn't said he'd play then, has he?!!"" --LYAO Editor]
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
- Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
- If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
- If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
- He makes $7,415 an hour more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
- He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
- If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
- If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
- He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
- Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m., January 1, 1999.
- If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
- He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
- He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
- While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
- Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT:
Jordan would have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!
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A Few Stories from Our Nation's Emergency Rooms
A 28-year-old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
***
A 50-year-old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken, piece by piece, into her vagina. Unable to have children, she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
***
Six firemen dragged a woman, with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 pounds, into the ER on a tarp. While they were trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest, her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least, during a pelvic exam, a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch."
***
An unconscious 36-year-old male was brought to the ER with cocaine-induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter, a neatly folded twenty-dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up, and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings, and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
***
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
***
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny." A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out, and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
***
A young woman came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the woman denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young woman's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
***
A 92-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it?" she replied. "Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
***
A 15-year-old boy was lying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything else he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while, then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
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Creation
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden bored and lonely. He said to God: "I know I have a lot to be thankful for, plenty of great food, beautiful scenery ... but there's something missing."
God replied: "What if I make you a companion ... a female who would anticipate your every wish, cook your meals, fulfill your every need?"
Adam said: "Sounds great."
God added: "There would be a price to pay."
Adam inquired: "What do you mean?"
God answered: "You'd have to give up your testicles, right hand, and ears."
Adam said: "What would I get for a rib?"
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Creation II
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
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Car Won't Start
[CIDU - PROBABLE URBAN LEGEND ALERT]
[This story was purported to be true. It's possible, but a little hard to believe. --LYAO Editor]
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so the two hopped into the car, and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: He jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: The man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: Even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
***
[The above story was on the Comics I Don't Understand Page for August 3rd, 1998. When I checked the site this week (August 10th, 1998), one of the pages contained the following:]
I asked for a show of hands: Who believes this story, and who doesn't?
Because the comics I posted last week were largely incomprehensible, I got more responses to this question than for all three comics combined.
59% of you believed the story.
Nils offered this example:
A guy calls the computer tech support line and claims every time he flushes his toilet his computer reboots. Turns out the guy lives in a rural area, and gets his water from a well. Whenever the toilet was flushed, the pump would turn on causing the power to dip and the computer rebooted. Do you believe in toilets?
Yes, I believe in toilets; but I'd surely have to see the computer reboot before I believed the rest of it.
Oliver Willy testified thusly:
Interestingly, in 1974, when I worked for Heathkit Company, our regional vice-president came to visit to talk about customer service, and the importance of listening to customer's complaints. He gave us two examples from General Motors, and this story was one of the examples, almost word for word. The lesson was that not everyone can describe a vapor lock, so people tend to explain things from their own perspective. It's amazing how much you can learn by really listening to what people are saying.
I'm not sure this actually supports the story, though, since urban myths tend to have long shelf lives.
Those skeptical of the story leaned toward heavy sarcasm
"GM personally sends factory technicians out after business hours to suburbia for a week of diagnosis. Yeah, right. Can they also come over and figure out why my car sometimes idles too high and sometimes too low? Evenings and weekends are the best times to come over",
and the occasional bovinally scatological expletive.
Matt Miller wrote:
It was Chocolate last time I heard it. And before that it was a novelty ice cream that needed special preparation, this took a long time, and in this case that's what the car needed.
Erich Mees:
Accepting that the important factor is the time it took him to check out, the location of the ice cream (and thus the time spent walking back & forth) is not the only thing that would affect the check-out time. If there was a long line on a night when he got vanilla, that could delay him long enough for the vapor-lock to dissipate. Conversely, if he bought another flavor on a slow night, he might be out of there before the vapor-lock wore off. It's just too implausible that he ALWAYS got out quickly when getting vanilla, or that it ALWAYS took him long enough when getting another flavor.
Maria G.:
I sincerely doubt that GM has such a commitment to customer service that they would: 1. Let complaint letters reach the president of the company; 2. Send out an engineer and; 3. Allow him to dedicate more than a week of afternoons to a car suffering from a "vanilla allergy." This is the same GM that produced the Vega, right?
And somebody whose name I misplaced (sorry!) sent me {this link}, to an Urban Myths site which dissects the story of the car that hated ice cream.
[I thought seriously about including the comments on this page, but, because I was already over my [then] 5-page quota, opted for giving you the URL (http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/icecream.asp) instead, so you could check it out for yourself.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again and again: You CAN'T believe EVERYTHING that comes from the internet. Urban Myths and other fiction abound. If something appears to be unbelievable, it probably is. (Even so, it makes a good story, doesn't it!) --LYAO Editor]
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Friendship
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
Mark was walking home from school one day, when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying, along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove, and a small tape recorder. Mark knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped carry part of the burden.
As they walked, Mark discovered the boy's name was Bill; that he loved video games, baseball and history, that he was having lots of trouble with his other subjects, and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. They arrived at Bill's home first, and Mark was invited in for a Coke and to watch some television. The afternoon passed pleasantly, with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then Mark went home.
They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice, and ended up being very close friends. Finally, the long-awaited senior year came and, three weeks before graduation, Bill asked Mark if they could talk. Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met.
"Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?" asked Bill. "You see, I cleaned out my locker, because I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother's sleeping pills, and I was going home to commit suicide.
"After I met you and we started spending some time together talking and laughing, I realized that I would have missed that time, and so many others that might follow. So you see, Mark, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more than just helped pick up books. You helped pick me up as well. You saved my life."
Every little hello, every little smile, every helping hand can save a hurting heart. There's a miracle called friendship that dwells in the heart. You don't know how it happens, or when it gets started, but you know the special lift it always brings, and you realize that friendship is God's precious gift to you. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their heart to us.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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A Tale of King Arthur
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a quest, but was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all the horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin the Magician for advice. After explaining his problem to Merlin, the Wizard thought about the problem for a while, and told the king to come back in a week; that he would have a solution to the problem. The next week, the King returned to see the new invention: a Chastity Belt ... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good," said the King. "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he pulled out an old wand that he was going to throw away. He inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt, whereupon a guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave knowing that my Queen is fully protected" said the King.
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set out on his quest. Several years later, the King returned to Camelot. Immediately, he assembled all the Knights of the Round Table into the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure enough, every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way, all except for Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad, you are the one and only true knight. What is in my power to grant you? Name it, and it is yours," said the King.
Sir Galahad could only say, "Ahhha, ahh, waaaa aaaawwwwwaaaaaaa!"
(YOU try to say something without using your tongue!.)
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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