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LYAO -
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You Know You're Addicted to Your Computer When ...
(Subtitle: It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off & Read A Book When ... )
- You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or so just for the free internet access.
- You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages," So you check it again.
- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at:http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend!
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Out to Dinner
This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night, and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant, but nice all the same. The waiter brings the bill, and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks!
She didn't expect this at all, and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding my boobs while I write the check please?"
The headwaiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.
She gets up to leave, and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door. "I'm sorry to bother you Miss, but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."
"Oh, it's quite simple really," she replies. "I love to have my t-ts held when I'm being screwed!!!"
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T.G.I.F. No S.H.I.T.
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside, and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only).
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her, and once again replied with an annoying expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T, Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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My First Time Ever ...
[Let me know if you think this should be under a CMA warning! -LE]
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I don't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it,
I felt no shame
And all at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever,
|
V|
V|
V|
V|
VMilking a cow ...
[What were you thinking? LOL -:LE]
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Healing Power
A middle-aged couple is watching TV, when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with me. Place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area."
So, the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says: "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
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Prove It!
A guy goes into a grocery store, picks up a couple of cans of dog food, and takes them to the clerk.
"Do you have a dog?" asks the clerk.
"Yes, I do," replies the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replies, "but you're going to have to prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you the dog food."
The frustrated customer goes home to get his dog and pulls it on its leash all the way to the store.
"Here's my dog!" says the tired customer.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your two cans of dog food."
Two days later, the same guy returns to the same store. He gets a couple of cans of cat food, and takes them to the clerk.
"Do you have a cat, sir?"
"Of course, I do!" says the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you the cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it to the store, and holds the cat by its tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of cat food."
The very next day, the guy returns to the store carrying a naked woman over his shoulder. He stops by the drug rack, then heads for the clerk. He places the naked lady on counter ... along with a package of condoms.
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Touchdown!
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to him.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning, and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire starts cheering.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
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The Gorilla and the Lion
A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole, and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he sneaks up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slips him the old sausage.
The gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end.
The lion, shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. The gorilla can't outrun the lion. The lion is getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and a helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down, holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it.
Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.
"RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-cked you in the a--?" he stutters.
The lion sits up and says, "Damn, it's already in the newspapers?!!""
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Gone Fishin'
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel, and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed. but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $30.00."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00. The duck call is $6.00, and the catfish stink bait is $4.00."
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The 12 Weeks of Summer
(sung to the Twelve Days of Christmas)
And on the twelfth week of summer my true loves gave to me ...
12 kids-a-screaming
11 weeks of "I'm bored"
10 headaches pounding
9 million mosquitoes
8 boxes of Band-Aids
7 first-aid ointments
6 skateboard stitches
5 RRRRRRRRRRRinging phonesssssssssssss
4 baseball games
3 fighting kids
2 exhausted parents
... and A room at the SANITARIUM
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Dumb and Dumber!
[The following are alleged to be true. Most came from a "Dumb
Criminals" web-page. You be the judge! --LYAO Editor]
Electric
A woman comes home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looks like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to knock him away from the deadly current, she whacks him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
A shame, as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
***
You Got ID?
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
***
Too Stoopid
A true story out of San Francisco. It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag," on a deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note, and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip; that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
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Comparison Shopping
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. Sure enough, she carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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The List
A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "I'm sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. You're reproductive system is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door, and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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Mermaid
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid, who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now, one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else ... a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased five times its usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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