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LYAO -
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Sick Leave Policy!!
Memorandum
To: All employees
Subject: Sick Leave Policy
Sickness:
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
An Operation:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Death:
Other than your own, this is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own death:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary for you to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation.
Management
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GM DRIVES BACK!
At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry, and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO),
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
- Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
- Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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Absolutely True Advertising Bloopers
- Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered like one of the family.
- Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
- Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.
- Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
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Excuses
[Some of the following have appeared on previous LYAOs. --LYAO Editor]
- Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
- Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
- Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
- Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Joyce from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
- George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
- Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
- Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the sh-ts.
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Actual Typos from Church Bulletins from Around the Country ...
[Some of the following may have appeared in previous LYAOs -- LYAO Editor]
- "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at side entrance."
- "The 1998 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 to May 11."
- "Pastor is on vacation. Massages may be given to church secretary."
- "Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
- "Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes."
- "The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
- "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
- "The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Have Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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News Item ... Scandal Rocks Heaven
[Imagine the voice of Tom Brokaw. It makes it even funnier --LYAO Editor]
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying, "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
An independent counsel, Kenneth Beazulbub, immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men."
Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had vreated large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
And so it goes ...
(REMEMBER YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!)
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Feeling Good
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
(A good thought to start off the day.)
Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.
Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment.
When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity, who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by, so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh, Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed Love by, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder.
Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Love, realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time? " asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep Wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Do You Hear, Mrs. Clinton?
A man and woman are at the hospital, delivering their first baby.
After sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity, the man became bored and decided to wander around the hospital. While wandering down one hall, the man happened to glance into a patient's room. He was shocked to see a male patient standing nude in the middle of his room masturbating like the world was ending.
The man quickly hurried off to find a doctor. He located one and asked why they allowed this to happen. The doctor replied that the patient had a rare condition that caused his body to produce a huge amount of sperm, and if he didn't masturbate constantly his testicles would explode.
The man resumed his walk. A few doors down he glanced into another room and saw an attractive nurse giving a patient a blow job.
He hurried back to the doctor and again asked what the deal was.
The doctor replied that the man suffered from the same condition, but he had a better medical plan.
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Sexy Riddles
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow-blower coming.
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Make Someone Happy
[An Encore Performance]
A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.
"No problem," says his friend. "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom, crawl up under the blanket between her legs, and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."
So, the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can, and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friend's advice, he proceeds under the blanket, and does the deed to gentle moaning. and finally, soft snoring.
Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes. He is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the commode. "Sh-h-h-h-h-h-h!!!" she says. "Mother's asleep in our bedroom."
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Little Johnny and Seeing Daddy
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly:
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWAS ATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down, she wants to hear the story, so Johnny tells her; "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy ... "
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny! This is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat, and then, " ... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did the same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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