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LYAO -
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Two Blondes Walking
Two blondes are walking down the street. One finds a little mirror, picks it up, and looks in it. Puzzled, she says, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
The other blonde says, "Give it to me." She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, silly, it's me!"
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Sweet Smiles Too
The following is supposedly from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case of attack by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:
If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
- Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
- Tuck your chin in.
- The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
- Do not panic
- After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
- The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
- When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
- Be sure you have your knife.
- Be sure your knife is sharp.
[Uh ... Right -LE]
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Cheerios
[An Encore Presentation]
A 7-year old boy and his 4-year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell," and you say "Ass."
The 4-year old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year old replies, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4-year old blubbers, "but you can bet you're a-- it's not gonna be Cheerios."
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Thought for the day:
"If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap."
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Sharp as a Marble!
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. They decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, you forgot the toast!"
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Quote of the Day
Age is just a number, and mine is unlisted.
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Generic Drugs
All Drugs have a generic name.
- Tylenol is Acetaminophen
- Advil is Ibuprofin
- And so on.
What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin
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White House Pillowtalk
Bill & Hillary Clinton are sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
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The Blonde and The Porch
[An Encore Presentation]
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handyman-type, and starts canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She goes to the front door of the first house, and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde says, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agrees and tells her that the paint and ladders that she might need are in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, hears the conversation and says to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replies, "She should. She was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde comes to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asks.
"Yes," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde adds, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Soap and Water Clean
A minister is asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knows is an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sits down at the table, he notices that the dishes are the dirtiest that he has ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asks his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replies, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He feel a bit apprehensive, but blesses the food anyway, and starts eating. It is really delicious, and he says so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner is over, the hostess takes the dishes outside and yells, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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Quote of the Day
If you can't surf with the big dogs, stay off the net.
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Seven Brain Teasers
- A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How is this possible?
- A man is wearing black: Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its lights off, too, but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
- One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How could this be?
- Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? (This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.)
- A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if he recognized anyone. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?
- A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
- A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. What has happened?
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ANSWERS
- The surgeon is the boy's mother!
- It was day time!
- At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone, and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
- A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
- He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they never had umbilical cords and, therefore, they never had navels.
- This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments! They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
- The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups -- so the man no longer needed the water.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Just Like Home Away from Home
A man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department: Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats. Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go.
"From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, you strip naked. Bell 2, you jump into bed. Bell 3, we are going to make love all night long!"
The next night he comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1." His wife takes off all her clothes.
"Bell 2." She jumps into bed.
"Bell 3." They begin to make love!
After about 2 minutes, she yells, "BELL 4!!"
He says, "What the hell is Bell 4?"
"MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!" she says. "You are nowhere near the fire!!"
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Sex with Teacher
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his was his day.
He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom.
A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!," says dad. "Ya know, son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow, that's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my a-- is still a little sore."
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Goin' to Las Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blow-job there."
The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.
"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
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A Loving Husband
A storeowner notices that everyday the same man comes in his store every morning looking very happy. This continues for quite sometime.
Finally one day the storeowner walks over to the man and, asks him why he is always so happy. The man replies it is because he has great sex with his wife every night. The storeowner asks how he gets his wife to have sex with him every night.
The man replies "Well, when I go to bed, I get real close to my wife and say,
'Beautiful blond hair
Nice blue eyes
Like an angel sent from above
Roll over here and let's make love,'
and this really gets my wife excited."
"Well," the storeowner says, "I am going to try that on my wife, tonight."
The next morning the man walks in the store to see how the storeowner did and found that he had bruises all over him. The man asks the storeowner why he had a bunch of bruises.
"Well," he says "I did what you told me to. I went home, got in bed, leaned over to my wife, and said,
'Nappy hair
Eyes like a frog
Bend over bitch
And I'll f-ck you like a dog.'"
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It's a Pecker, All Right
A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out. The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong.
The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful, but isn't sure how to confront her about it.
The bartender replies, "Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence and shyness, which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say's it's a pecker, then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."
The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his wife.
As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his member, and asks her what it is.
"Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife.
The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."
His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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