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LYAO -

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Golfing Story

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses walks up to the pond and raises his golf club in the air parts the water. He walks up to his ball in the parted water and hits it onto the green.

Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap too. Jesus walks over to the pond, walks on top of the water and raises his hand where the ball rises to the top and he hits it onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. A fish jumps out of the water, grabs the ball in its mouth, and as it is falling back down toward the water, he shoots it up into the air, where an eagle swoops down and grabs the ball in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky, scaring the eagle, who drops the ball that rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I sure hate playing golf with your Dad."

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Up, Up and Away

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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Hot and Cold

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

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Kid Riddles

Q: Why did the pig want to be an actor?

A: He was a big ham.

Q: Why can't leopards play hide-and-seek?

A: Because they always get spotted.

Q: What did the big firecracker say to the little one?

A: "My pop's bigger than your pop."

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Quote of the Day

If it's jammed, force it. If it breaks, it probably needed fixing anyway.

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Collection Of One Liners
[Each one a possible bumper-snicker]

• Dyslexics have more fnu.
• Clones are people two.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• Eschew obfuscation.
• 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
• A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Anything free is worth what you pay for it
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Editing is a rewording activity.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
• Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• My reality check just bounced.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!

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Modern Machinery

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud hiss and pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: "hiss, hiss, hiss, hiss, pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby bottle nipple business!"

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How to Impress a Woman/Man

How To Impress A Woman

1. Compliment her
2. Cuddle her
3. Kiss her
4. Caress her
5. Love her
6. Stroke her
7. Tease her
8. Comfort her
9. Protect her
10. Hug her
11. Hold her
12. Spend money on her
13. Dine her
14. Buy things for her
15. Listen to her
16. Care for her
17. Stand by her
18. Support her
19. Go to the ends of the earth for her

*****

How To Impress A Man

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Beer

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More Useless Trivia

[Not all of the following may be true. The LYAO Editor presumes no responsibility for the veracity of any of the following. PLEASE DO NOT cite LYAO when doing research for facts. NOTE: Some may have appeared in previous LYAOs. --LYAO Editor]

Did you know that ...

• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• All porcupines float in water.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
• Camel milk does not curdle.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
• Cat urine glows under a black light.
• Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
• Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
• Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
• Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
• If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
• In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)
• John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
• Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
• Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
• Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
• Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
• Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the Centennial Anniversary of Canada's Independence.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
• Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S.flag.
• The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. (true, I checked it out)
• The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The letter combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
• The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
• The only nation who's name begins with an "A," but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
• The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
• The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
• The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
• The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
• The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
• Tigers have stripped skin, not just stripped fur.
• Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
• When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
• When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
• Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

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The Fishing Trip

A man calls his wife from work on Friday afternoon. He says, "Pack my overnight bag and get out my fishing tackle. Some guys from the office are going to the lake for the weekend."

He comes home, grabs his equipment and leaves right away.

Sunday evening he comes in all huffy, and says, "You forgot to pack my pajamas."

The wife says, "No I didn't. They're right there in the top section of your tackle box."

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Damn Kids!
[You wanna feel old (if you are over 35-40, anyway)?]

Try this to get an idea of the lives of those entering college this fall. Read on, and try not to laugh, or feel too old!

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980

• They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.
• They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
• Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
• There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
• They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.
• They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
• They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tienamin Square means nothing to them.
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
• They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
• Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
• Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
• The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
• They have never owned a record player.
• They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
• Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
• There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
• They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably haven't actually seen or heard one.
• The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
• As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
• They have always had cable.
• There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
• They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
• Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
• The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
• They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
• Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
• They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a Football player.
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
• They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
• They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
• They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?," "I'd Walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!."
• They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
• The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
• Michael Jackson has always been white.
• Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
• McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

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Dr Clinton Seuss

STARR I ARE
A NEWLY DISCOVERED TALE OF DR. SEUSS

I'm here to ask as you'll soon see

Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you group her beneath her blouse?

I did not do that here or there

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that near or far

I did not do that "Starr You Are."

Did you smile? Did you flirt?

Did you peek beneath her skirt?

Did you tell the girl to lie

When called upon to testify?

I do not like you "Starr You Are"

I think that you have gone to far.

I will not answer anymore.

Perhaps I will go start a war!

 

"The public's easy to distract,

When bombs are falling on Iraq!"

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[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

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Times Have Changed, Granny!

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.

"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job"

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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