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LYAO -

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Dress for Success

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out, when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water ... "

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength, he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and inquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water ... " was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

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Avid Golfer

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you Jody," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[As Jon Lovitz says on the Subway commercial - "That blonde boy's a LOSER!" -LE]

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The Whole Truth, and Nothing But .

[I originally heard this joke (with a more "generic tone") on the Bob and Tom Show. That other version was also in my group of jokes to include here. But, this one was so close to the original (except for the participant), and even funnier (BECAUSE of the participant) that I decided NOT to include the original. --LYAO Editor]

The President takes the day off from work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go golfing. Bill gives the slip to the Secret Service and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland.

He is on the 2nd hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to tee off when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove him wrong, puts his driver away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits the ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The Frog replies "Ribbit. Luck Frog."

The President decides to take him to the next hole. What do you think frog?" the President asks.

"Ribbit. 3 Wood."

Bill takes out his 3 wood and, Wham! Hole in one. The President is befuddled, and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of his life, and asks the frog, "Ok, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Andrews AFB, fire up Air Force One, file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unrecognized, at a casino. Bill says, "Ok, frog, now what?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon reaching the roulette table, the President then asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $300,000 on black 6."

Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck. Whoosh! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.

The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog and heads back to D.C. Bill sets the F.F. on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I, and the Democratic National Committee, are forever grateful."

The Frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."

Bill figures why not, after all the frog has done for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss the frog turns into a 25-year-old girl named Monica.

"And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office.

[The following paragraph was attached to the original, generic joke I was going to include. As I said, I first heard the story on The Bob and Tom Show a number of years ago. Now, I guess it's possible that they may have gotten it from somewhere else, but I know nothing about the "luck." However, if you hear that I had good luck shortly after passing this on, though . -- LYAO Editor]

The origination of this [generic version] letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four MINUTES from now if the chain is not broken. You will receive good luck in four minutes.

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Sexy Sandals

A married couple was on holiday (second Honeymoon) in the Middle East, and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman say, "You foreigners? Come in, my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam a leekem!" ("Hello" in English)." So the couple walked in.

The bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, " I don't think I really need them." But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, "So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal?"

The merchant smiled and replied, "Just try them on, my friend, trust me!"

Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill, and after much badgering from his wife, he finally consented to try them on. The husband put the shoes on and a wild look to appeared in his eyes -- something his wife had not seen in many years -- the look of raw sexual power.

In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on the table, and started tearing at the guy's pants. While trying to get away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop, "You've got the shoes on the wrong feet! You've got the shoes on the wrong feet! ... "

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Internet Magic (Mind Reading)

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or subliminal message. Just follow these instructions.

Answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can, but don't advance until you've done each of them. Really. Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something).

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What is 1 + 5?

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2 + 4?

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3 + 3?

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4 + 2?

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5 + 1?

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Now repeat the number "6" to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds, then scroll down.

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QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then, arrow down.

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Keep going!

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You're thinking of a carrot, right?

If not, you're among only 2% of the population who thought of something else.

98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.

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The Pharmacist

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and, once again, he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

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The Genie

A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone, so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go, because I cannot fly -- Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway, and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

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The Fence
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]

There was a little boy with a bad temper.

His father gave him a bag of nails, and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper, than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it, and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed, and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.

"When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

"Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care."

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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