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LYAO -
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Sexual Harassment/Discrimination Carried WAY TOO FAR
LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING
All these (and more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors" distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park.
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STANDING TOO CLOSE
Standing too close is one of a long list of "sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools."
(Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.")
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ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET"
London school official Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned altogether.)
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EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT
University of Toronto chemistry professor Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a female student.
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INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT
A handbook published at Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened."
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RECEPTIVE NON-INITIATION
If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment, according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this underpublicized offense: "receptive non-initiation."
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FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME
A report issued by a committee at the University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a pernicious form of sexual discrimination.
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PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
The Minnesota Department of Education discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist."
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HAMBURGERS
Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both revealing and compelling."
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SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR
And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former editor of Ms. If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist" sense of the term -- guilty of assault.
[Back in '98, "sexual harassment" was just "coming into vogue." No one knew where the lines were. Most of the above are considered "extremes." Even so, I have little doubt these were all valid "definitions" and lawsuits were filed for those actions. It doesn't seem that long ago that every man (and some women) were extremely leery of doing anything where they could be sued for sexual harassment, and were walking on egg shells. Personally, I'm glad to see that, for the most part, the definition has changed to allow a little more ... "flirting." Back then, if you "looked at someone cross-eyed," they may have sued you for sexual harassment! -LE]
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Vodka Makes Everything Easier
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh-t out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat Me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry."
- The recommended grace before a meal is not; "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Lewinsky, Kaczynski, et al
These limericks are from a newspaper contest: "Use the words 'Lewinsky' and 'Kaczynski' in a limerick."
[I don't know about that ... I heard these on the Bob and Tom Show! From their listeners! --LYAO Editor]
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off your chinsky
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
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Blind Man's Lunch
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
"Unbelievable," the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife, and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork, and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him, and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir. This time I remembered you, and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Ahhh yes, I'll have the seafood platter."
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Couple-a Quickies
Insult of the day
Yo Mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
Quote of the Day
I get all wet each time I surf the net.
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Ain't No Fair
Two guys, who work together, are both laid off. So off they go to the unemployment office.
When asked for his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looks up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy is asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replies.
Since diesel fitter is a skilled job, the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy finds out, he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is getting double his pay.
The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill!"" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"
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They Didn't Tell the Whole Story
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to bag a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'll never make it over the trees on take off."
"That's baloney," says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off."
"Yeah," said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from under a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd reckon about a hundred yards further than last year."
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A Feminine Perspective
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
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A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
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They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch ... do it and die,"
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
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I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
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"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
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Lordy of the Jungle
Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his penis. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a penis, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.
After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how do you like your new parts?"
Tarzan says, "Eye good ... Tarzan see far away. Arm good ... long and strong. But Tarzan not crazy about new weenie ... All day long, pick weeds, stuff up Tarzan's ass."
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Take Measures
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
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Quote of the Day
I can't control the wind, but I can adjust my sails.
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Different position
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. YOU stand by the ironing board, and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart.
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Read Between the Lines (or Are Those Wrinkles?)
A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up, and says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age. I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"
"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around. So, that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."
Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here (pointing to his head), to here (pointing to his crotch)," with a huge, sh-t-eating grin on his face.
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The Cruise
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.
A few days before the cruise, the travel agent phones, and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the druggist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy, and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls, again, and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees, goes back to the druggist, and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the druggist asks, "Look, if she's that ugly, why do you keep f-cking her?"
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Clinton's Clock
Clinton is sitting next to a moderately homely White House intern one day at a gathering.
The President says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office to see my clock?"
She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."
The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to show it to you."
"No, Mr. President, I really can't."
"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute."
"All right. If it won't take long."
They go to the Oval Office. The President sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.
The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock."
To which the president says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
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Some Days, It Just Don't Pay to Even be Mike Tyson
One night after a big fight, Mike Tyson is a bit depressed. So his handlers decide to get him a prostitute to cheer him up. After they have sex, they are laying in bed having a smoke.
The prostitute says "Well, Mike. How's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he says. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under privileged family -- had a hard up-bringing. I was thrown in jail for rape. I'm on parole for hitting a cop. My wife left me for beating her up. I have to pay maintenance for my kids. I've lost two world title fights. I've disgraced myself and my sport -- They want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute says. "I think I can say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson."
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Ralph's Ralph
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger, and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But, after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches! Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
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Easter Egg Time!
[Easter Eggs are little surprises that programmers slip into programs. Think of them kinda like like the codes that the kids use to get special powers for their video game heroes. Here's one. Go ahead and try it. It works! -- LYAO Editor]
In Microsoft Word, type in: "I'd like to see Bill Gates Dead" (without the quotes)
Highlight the phrase and press SHIFT-F7 (Thesaurus)
[NOTE: I remember this working, but don't remember what it said. But, it was a much earlier version of WORD than I currently have. If anyone out there is using an old copy of WORD (ca1998), please send me what it came back with. -LE]
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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