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LYAO -
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Prayers
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute, and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that ... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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A Fishy Story
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning, the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed a little way out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat. He pulls up along side, and asks her what she is doing, and she says, "Reading my book. "
He tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she says she is not fishing.
He says, "But you have all this equipment; I will have to take you in and write you up."
She says, "If you do that I will charge you with rape."
He says, "I didn't even touch you."
She says, "Yes; but you have all the equipment ... "
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The Stranded Lawyers
Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water. They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another.
One day, one of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb to the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming. The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting his time and won't see anything. But the first lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.
He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
So, the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
The lawyer in the tree reluctantly climbs down, and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers go over to her, and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time. Do you think we should screw her?"
The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"
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More "Things NOT to Say to the Nice Officer"
- That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
- That uniform makes you're a-- look really big.
- Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
- You don't happen to have any beer in your car, do ya?
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Lets do it different this time ... I'll give you the breathalizer test! Now stick this in your mouth and blow.
- Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?
- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
- So, uh, you on the take, or what?
- Those sirens are hurting my ears. Turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
- So what if I was speeding. Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
- Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No, I am not turning it down -- I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
- Hey, man, you want a hit?
- Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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A Couple of URLs to Check Out
Just click here for an enlightening lesson in How to keep an Idiot Busy
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Potential Versus Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
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Pithy Sayings
[from CIDU]
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
- A king's castle is his home.
- A penny saved is ridiculous.
- All that glitters has a high refractive index.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Anarchy is better than no government at all.
- Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
- As you read the scroll, it vanishes ...
- Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
- Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
- Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
- Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
- BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
- Computer hackers do it all night long.
- Computer modelers simulate it first.
- Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
- Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Courage is your greatest present need.
- CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
- Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
- Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
- Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
- Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad ...
- Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
- Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
- Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
- Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
- Entropy isn't what it used to be.
- Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
- Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
- He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Help support helpless victims of computer error.
- Herblock's Law: If it is good, they will stop making it.
- History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
- I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
- If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
- If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
- I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
- In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- It works better if you plug it in.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
- KODACLONE - duplicating film.
- Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
- Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
- Life's a bitch, then you die.
- Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
- Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
- MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
- Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
- NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
- Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
- Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
- QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
- QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
- Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
- Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
- Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
- Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
- SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
- SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
- The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
- The road to to success is always under construction.
- Those who can't write, write help files.
- To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
- To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
- Today is the last day of your life so far.
- TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
- Wasting time is an important part of life.
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- When in doubt, don't bother.
- When in doubt, ignore it.
- Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
- XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
- YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
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Gotchas
[from CIDU]
- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
- A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
- A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later he accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the Copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
- An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
**
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "#@&$ you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in line continued laughing at him.
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Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky Jokes
- What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
- Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!
- There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
- It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
- Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story?
- She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.
- What's Monica going to title her memories?
- "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"
- Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
- To keep his ankles warm.
- What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?
- They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."
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You Are A Child Of The 80's, If .
- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
- You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
- You know who Tina Yothers is.
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
- You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on its ass, or knew someone who did.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
- You HAD to have your MTV.
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
- You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
- You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman), or knew someone who did.
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had Wonder Woman or Superman Underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Dreams
There were three men on a business trip named Money, EZ and Cubba, who were trying to rent a hotel room. They went to the desk and asked for rooms. The clerk said that was only one room left, but it had a king-size bed. The three men agreed to take it. In the middle of the night, all three woke up.
On the left Cubba said, "I had a dream that someone was holding my d-ck."
"Same here!" said Money, who was on the right.
"Strange," said EZ, who was in the middle. "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
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Sexy Question (and Answer)
Q. What is the difference between driving in the fog and 69-ing?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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