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BumperSnickers

• Horn broken. Watch for finger.
• Keep honking ... I'm reloading.
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
• All generalizations are false.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• I brake for no apparent reason.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
• I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
• Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• No radio - Already stolen.
• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Caution: I drive like you do.

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Pray for Me

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.

Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to take a silk robe and a golden staff, and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby, and has been watching the proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter.

Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take a cloth robe and a wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

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All Choked Up

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. "Can you speak?," he asked. She, again, shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

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He Deserves Everything He Gets

A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig south of the border, when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad.

"Ready, Aim, ... "

"Earthquake!" yells the guitar player. This distracts the guards long enough that he can jump over the wall to freedom.

"Ready, Aim, ... "

"Flood!" yells the mandolin player, who jumps over the wall to freedom.

Now the banjo player is starting to catch on.

"Ready, Aim, ... "

"Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can.

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Murphy's Law

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish, I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

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Three Guys and Their Wives

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

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Sometimes You Can Try TOO Hard

A company, trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record, showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic, that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

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Politically Correct Definitions For Men

• He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
• He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
• He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
• He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
• He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
• You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
• He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
• His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
• He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
• You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
• He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
• He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
• He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
• He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
• He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
• He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
• He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
• He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
• He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
• He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
• He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
• He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
• You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
• He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

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Old …s Never Die, They Just …

• Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
• Old actors never die, they just drop a part.
• Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
• Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
• Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
• Old balloonists never die, they just get higher and higher.
• Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
• Old baseballs never die, they just get pitched.
• Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
• Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
• Old blondes never fade they just dye away.
• Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
• Old botanists never die, they just wither away.
• Old bowlers never die, they just end up in the gutter.
• Old cardiac surgeons never die, they just get bypassed.
• Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
• Old cashiers never die, they just get distilled.
• Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
• Old chickens never die, they just get fried.
• Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
• Old clothiers never die, they just lose their shirts.
• Old computer users never die, they just lose their memory.
• Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
• Old cows never die, they just kick the bucket.
• Old dairymen never die, they just get butter and butter.
• Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
• Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
• Old doctors never die, they just go to the hospital.
• Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
• Old doughboys never die, they just get rolled out.
• Old Egyptian tourists never die, - they just go senile.
• Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
• Old engineers never die, they just lose their bearings.
• Old exterminators never die, they just bug out.
• Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

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Unusual Behavior
[from CIDU]

Personnel executives of 100 major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. ( ... and what reason would I have to doubt any of them?--Bill [Bickel of the Comics I Don't Understand Page])

• " ... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
• "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
• " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
• " ... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
• " ... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
• " ... stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
• " ... interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
• "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
• "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumb-struck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
• " ... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
• " ... said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
• "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
• " ... candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
• "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

***

"A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this:

'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?'

"I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.'

"He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.'

"I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

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Excerpts From "Police On Patrol: The Other Side Of The Story"
[from http://www.ih2000.net/ira/copbook.htm]

From a chapter on favorite excuses:

• We caught a man stealing money from a parking meter. He said he hadn't used up all his time on the meter and wanted a refund.
• I arrested a husband for assaulting his wife. He said, "Officer, I just snapped. I was tired of coming home every single night and finding my wife in bed with my uncle."
• "The only explanation, officer, is 'spontaneous acceleration.' This car has a mind of it's own."
• A woman flew past me. When I caught up to her, she said she was in a hurry. Her son had a doctor's appointment and she was running late. I pointed two things out to her: One, she was headed in the wrong direction for her appointment; and two, where was her son?
• The lady was speeding home because she said she had to feed her goldfish.
• Around 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I issued a ticket for parking in a handicapped parking space. A man came running down the street after me. He said, with the ticket in his hand, "But officer, it's after 12 o'clock. After 12 it's no longer a handicapped parking space."
• "Officer, please don't give me a ticket. I borrowed the car without permission and I wanted to get it back before it was missed."
• From a chapter detailing strange and bizarre calls:
• I was out on patrol when I heard muffled yells for help. I located a man, wearing only his underwear, stuck in a chimney. The man had been attempting to gain entry to the house he'd intended to rob. He threw his clothes down the chimney and planned on sliding down after them. But he got stuck.
• Every week we were summoned to the tinfoil lady's residence. She wore a hat made of tinfoil and everything in her house was either tinfoil or aluminum. She explained she needed to be surrounded by tinfoil and aluminum because it was the only way she could make contact with Alpha Centauri. She was finally committed.
• A woman used her key to get into her car at a local mall. She sat down in the vehicle, then realized it wasn't her car. Hers was nowhere in sight. Another woman with the same exact car called the police department and reported that she'd driven a car all the way home before she realized it wasn't hers. Same make. Same model. Same key.
• I went to a burglary in progress. On the ground next to the building was the new merchandise. A man was up on the fire escape pretending to have gas pains. He was the one actually robbing the place. He thought if he faked a stomachache, we wouldn't think he was the criminal.
• I pulled up to a car parked in a secluded spot. When the couple got out of the vehicle, they were wearing each other's underwear. The pink lace really didn't do anything for the guy.
• On Thanksgiving we were called to a domestic disturbance. The husband and wife had gotten into an argument because he'd fed the turkey to the dog. The wife wanted her husband arrested for feeding the dog.
• When we arrived at the scene of a domestic call, we knew we were at the correct address. Clothing was being tossed out the window onto the lawn. People call 911 for the most ridiculous things. A lady called to complain that when the neighbors flushed the toilet upstairs, it was too loud. She wanted them arrested for loud flushing.
• One day while on patrol, one of the other officers decided to check out a local factory which used to be a military facility - complete with missile silos. The road was curvy. Somehow, the officer left the road and landed directly on the top of an old missile silo. It took three officers and a winch to remove the cruiser.
• A young woman hit a buck deer with her car. The car was completely demolished. I told her I had to shoot the deer because it had two broken legs and possibly internal bleeding. She ran to the deer's side, grabbed it around the neck and hugged it. That's when the deer bucked her and broke her nose. The deer was about 150 pounds and still strong enough even though it was dying. The girl didn't want me to kill the deer and kept blocking my aim. I didn't know whether to shoot the deer or her!
• There was glare ice on the highways as I arrived at the scene of an accident. I set up flares and witnessed another five accidents all within one minute. I called on my radio. "There goes another one, and another one. Please send help. Oh, no. There's another one . . . "

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Time and Friends
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do? Draw out every cent of course!!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!!

Dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt.

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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