![Welcome to LYAO-Online [Banner]](images/edged-lyao-banner.gif)
LYAO -
----------
Fairytales
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins with "Once upon a time ... "A southern fairytale begins with, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh-t ... "
----------
Good Vibrations
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
----------
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
- It's legal to play hockey professionally.
- The puck is always hard.
- Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
- It lasts a full hour.
- You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
- Your parents cheer when you score.
- A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
- Periods only last 20 minutes.
- You can count on it at least twice a week.
- You can tell your friends about it afterwards
----------
Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed By Hallmark
- Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I got one
I got real snippy.
- I heard you had herpes
And I feel terrible
I'd say "Get well soon"
But I know it's incurable.
- My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire
I found your cat
Sorry!
- You had your bladder removed
And you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.
- You've announced that you're gay,
And won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
- So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day
Look at the bright side,
She's a really good lay.
- Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
Don't fret about your wife though
She's moving in with me.
- Your computer is dead
And it was so alive
You shouldn't have installed
Window '95.
- You totaled your car
And can't remember why
Maybe it was
That case of Bud Dry
- So you lost your job
It's one of those hardships in life
Next time, work harder
And stay away from the boss's wife.
----------
Problem Drunk
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
----------
Who is God?
A boy says to his mother, "Mom, is God a man or a woman?"
The mom thinks a while and says, "Well, son, God is both a man and a woman!"
The son is confused, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
The mother replies, "God is both black and white, honey."
The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is God gay or straight, mommy?"
The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, God is both gay and straight."
The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question: "Is God Michael Jackson?"
----------
Talking to God
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute to you."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny to you."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous! Can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
----------
The Little Old Lady and the Porn Shop
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb- bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round- d?"
"Well ... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
----------
Celebrity Quotes
"I voted for the Republicans because I didn't like the way the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." --Judy Tenuta
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? --Jerry Seinfeld
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --George Burns
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word -- if only she'd get to it. --Henny Youngman
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.--Anonymous
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married? --Barbra Streisand
I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?" I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!!""" "What a country! " --Yakov Smirnoff
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing,"and you can't remember what it is. --Milton Berle
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! --Henny Youngman
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth; that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. --Rodney Dangerfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen
----------
[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
----------
Staff of Life
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert by Camel. On the third day, a storm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm ceases, they find the camel dead.
"Well, Sister, this looks grim," says the priest. "We can't survive two days out here, and it would take us a week to walk to the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me? I've never seen a woman's breasts, Sister. Could I see yours?"
The nun, a bit curious, replies, "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm." So she gets them out.
Then the priest says, "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" Again, she consents.
After a few minutes, the nun asks "Father, could I ask something of you? I've never seen a man's "thingy." Could I see yours?"
"O.K." says the priest.
When she's examined the priests organ, she asks, "Can I touch it?" The priest agrees.
After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's got a major hard-on, and the priest whispers, "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place, it can give life?"
"Is that really true?" asks the nun.
"Yes" replies the priest.
"Then stick it up that camel's a--, so we can get the f-ck out of here."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO
as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website.
Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to
and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO
will have to "go through me".)
