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"This is Good"
A king in Africa had a close friend he'd grown up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that occurred, positive or negative, and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, and when the king fired it, his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked, "This is good!."
To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and threw him in jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they were starting the fire, they noticed the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb, and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." He told his friend what had happened, and said, "I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"
"What do you mean, 'this is good'?! How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."
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Things Women Have Said
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. --Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. Roseanne My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. --Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. --Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. --Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door ... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --Dolly Parton
I think -- therefore I'm single. --Lizz Winstead
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --Hedy Lamarr
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --Gloria Steinhem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --Gloria Steinhem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Cleaning Up My Act
The Reverend Lars Anderson, pastor of South Branch's Bethlehem (Swedish) Lutheran Church, spent several years in the U.S. Navy. It wasn't during wartime, so it was a real pleasant stint, because he was on a ship that often docked on the tropical islands in the South Pacific.
During that time, Pastor Lars developed a love for exotic tropical birds -- especially the ones that talked. Just recently, he bought himself a parrot down at the Fridley Pet Store, and was pretty excited about it until the problems started.
The bird hadn't talked at all the first 3 weeks, but Lars thought that was just part of being in a new place. Then, one night, when the church Board of Trustees was meeting at Lars' house, the parrot cut loose with a 10 minute stream of swear words that turned the air blue and shocked the trustees to death! I mean, there were words that would make a veteran sailor turn red as a beet!
Pastor Lars was so totally embarrassed that he didn't know what to do, so he locked the bird in a closet at the back of the house. . Well, Mrs. Larson didn't know this had happened and she let the bird out the next afternoon, when the church Dorcas Society was quilting in her front room. It was a repeat performance, and the ladies nearly fainted!
Now Lars is pretty imperturbable, but he totally lost it when he got home and heard about the parrot's latest transgression. He grabbed the bird and threw him into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there's a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes around. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.
So Lars thinks the bird may be hurt, and after a couple minutes of silence he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed onto Lars' arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, parson. I'll do my best to clean up my vocabulary from now on!"
Well, you could have knocked Lars over with a feather. He couldn't understand the transformation that miraculously had come over the parrot.
Then the parrot said, "By the way -- what did the chicken do?"
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Winners and Losers (Mostly Losers)
[I didn't verify any of these -LYAO Editor]
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up ...
And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps ...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system ... "
And for the Main Course ...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars ...
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
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Farm Humor
It's a DRY Heat
A visitor to Wyoming once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
"Yes, it does," replied the rancher. "Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood," the visitor said.
"Well," said the rancher, "we got two and a half inches during that spell."
When the Cock Crows
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
The Insurance Court Claim
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the ... "
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ... "
The lawyer interrupted again, and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer, and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape, I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Un-Enthused
A veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.
"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is," replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady. "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window, and tell them they're wanted on the phone."
"Really?" said the elderly lady. "Will that stop them?"
"It should," said the vet. "It stopped ME!"
The Bill
A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.
The farmer priced his "unit" as follows:
[Please note: The following (up to "Making a Living") is in Fixed Font format to make it appear correctly. However, because of this, it may not, depending on your screen resolution. -LE]
Basic cow $499.95
Shipping and handling $35.75
Extra stomach $79.25
Two tone exterior $142.10
Produce storage compartment $126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper $189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system $149.20
Automatic fly swatter $88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery $179.90
Deluxe dual horns $59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment $339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly $884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb $69.80
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FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments $300.00
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TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options) $3143.36
Making a Living
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
STOP in the Name of the Law
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy, when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake ... "
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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