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LYAO -
Letters To A Pastor:
Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but he never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8.
Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete. Age 9.
Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen. Age 9.
Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
Alexander. Age 10.
Dear Pastor,
My Father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10.
Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph. Age 11.
Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9.
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Surgery Notice
Please be advised that you have been scheduled for an OPTARECTOMY procedure. The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviate your sh-tty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.
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Who Wants What?
What women want in a relationship:
A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get:
A fat, balding, fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
***
What men want in a woman:
A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; a wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get:
Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
***
What women want in bed:
A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get:
"Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
***
What men expect out of a marriage:
Three loving children who honor their parents.
What they get:
Three demons who are a combination of their parents every fault, and make their life a living hell.
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Handy Hints
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
***
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them.
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
***
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
***
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
***
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
***
DRILL a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door.
This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
***
SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination.
Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
***
BOMB disposal experts' wives:
Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
***
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
***
HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping cart and the other in your coat pocket.
***
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
***
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
***
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels, and locking them safely in the boot [trunk] until you return.
***
SMELL gas?
Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
***
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
***
TAXI drivers: Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicator lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're going.
***
OLD PEOPLE: Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
***
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
***
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
***
TAKE your dustbin [trash can] to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
***
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
***
SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
***
NO TIME for a bath?
Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
***
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con.
Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
***
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
***
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
***
BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
***
IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and, Hey, presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
***
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
***
HOUSEWIVES: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot [trunk] of your car.
Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
***
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS around for a meal on boxing day.
They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
***
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
***
SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid [dishwashing soap] and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
***
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, and a dog turd into the bath.
***
King-size Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars for giants.
***
INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
***
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
***
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
***
INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS: Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
***
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
***
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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