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[SPECIAL C.M.A. STATEMENT:
THIS IS NOT A NORMAL CMA STATEMENT.
SOME OF THE JOKES THAT FOLLOW CONTAIN MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN APPEARS IN GENERAL LYAO, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR OUR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS., THOUGH MOST FALL INTO THE "NORMAL LYAO FARE" CATEGORY.
PLEASE NOTE: MOST OF THE FOLLOWING IS LESS EXPLICIT THAN KENNETH STARR'S REPORT, ALTHOUGH SOME JOKES USE SOME OF THE WORDS THAT WERE CAREFULLY SKIRTED THERE.
THESE ARE NOT, IMHO, AS EXPLICIT AS THOSE THAT NORMALLY APPEAR UNDER THIS HEADING. HOWEVER, PARENTS SHOULD READ THIS FIRST, AND DECIDE WHICH, IF ANY, ARE SUITABLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN TO READ.
LYAO EDITOR]
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What Clinton WANTED to say in his State of the Union Address
"Members of Congress ... people of America ... .I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary ... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
"So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
"Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
"There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon, before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
"Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
"Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter ... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
"Thank you, good night and God bless America."
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Clinton's "Apology" Speech Translated
Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17, 1998, Speech to the Nation.
[Translated comments are in brackets.]
"President Bill Clinton's Speech" - Aug. 17, 1998
CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my a-- dragged over the coals.]
I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my a--.]
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]
In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama-Sutra.]
It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was horny.]
But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh-t...]
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.
[I lied like a bitch.]
I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors --first, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]
I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.']
The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]
I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
[If you think I bull-sh-tted you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]
Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.
[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...]
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.
[Mommy! Make the Bad Man stop!!]
We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.
[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]
Thank you for watching.
[Sorry you had to see this.]
And Good Night.
[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]
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Monica's Reply
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
"No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow-by-blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
"I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
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Democratic Symbol
Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom. Why? Because a condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
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Why England is Better than America
Recently an Englishman was explaining to an American why England is the superior of the two.
First of all, we speak English!
Secondly, when we have a national championship, we invite other nations to participate!!
Thirdly, and most importantly, when we meet our head of state, we only have to go down on one knee!!!
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Clinton Jokes
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
Q. What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
The spread eagleA reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.The Spelling Bee
Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.
Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President.
86% said "Not again."Clinton's team of advisors has offered the following defense ...
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition!
He told her to lie in THIS position.Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
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More Clinton/Lewinsky
Sing the song below to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".
Bill:
"Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica:
"White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill:
"Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica:
"Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill:
"Summer days, sucking away
Oh-oh, but those summer nights"Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah, well, ah, well, ah. Oh
Tell us more, tell us more"Linda Tripp:
"Try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he come on your dress?"
Bill:
"Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica:
"The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill:
"She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica:
"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Bill:
"Summer days, sucking away
Oh-oh, but those summer nights"Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah, well, ah, well, ah, Uh
Tell us more, tell us more"Linda Tripp:
"He sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he tell you to lie?"
Bill:
"Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica:
"He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill:
"She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica:
"Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica:
"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But ... oh … Those White House Nights"
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