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LYAO -
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Sale of the Century
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
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The Lord Helps Those ...
An Italian guy named Guido finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and, if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Guido again prays, "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Guido still has no luck. Once again, he prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Guido, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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The Telemarketer Joke
Why did God invent telemarketers?
So that used-car salesmen would have someone to look down on.
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Quote of the Day
Assumption is the mother of all screws ups.
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Nickels & Dimes
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner, Tim, doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "If I took the dime, they'd quit offering it!"
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Little Johnny Wants to Get Married
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance, and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."
Getting exasperated, since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "We've been lucky so far."
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Pulled Over
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several sharp knives in the back seat of the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So, he got out the knives and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now."
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Heaven -- After Saint Peter Got His
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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More Sexy Q & A
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. *****
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: Both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut with no hands!
Q: What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-Tom?
A: A pick-pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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Tit for Tat
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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The Ballerina
A girl wearing a sleeveless dress which showed she had never shaved under her arms was sitting at the end of a bar. She raised her arm to signal the bartender, but he didn't see her.
A drunk at the other end of the bar said, "Bartender, give the ballerina a drink." The bartender gave her a drink. When she finished she again signaled the bartender by raising her arm. Again, he didn't see her.
The drunk said, "Bartender, give the ballerina another drink." The bartender did. And again, for the third time, the woman raised her arm to catch the eye of the bartender, but he didn't see her.
The drunk said, "Bartender, give the ballerina another drink."
After the bartender served her, he went over to the drunk and asked, "Why do you think she is a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Anyone who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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