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LYAO -
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Hillary in Heaven
Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line.
While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about.
"Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes."
"Can you tell me which is my husbands clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter.
"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."
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Only In America ...
- ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- ... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
- ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
- ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
- ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- ... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."
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They Died In the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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Coffee in the Morning
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
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Care-Fullness
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
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Riddles
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He doesn't believe in dogs.
How about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door?
He strained himself.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?
It ended up in a tie.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down fore-skin divers.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard.
What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
"I am ewe."
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him he ain't gonna come.
What do you call a drunk who works in an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming Catholic.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you play a country music song backward?
You get your wife back, you get your job back, you stop drinking ...
What does it mean when the flag's at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
What grows up while growing down?
A goose.
What is the last thing a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll gets at the factory?
Two test tickles.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
Because he was a little more on.
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The Window
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Unexpectedly, a thought entered his head: Why should he have all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything? It didn't seem fair. As the thought fermented, the man felt ashamed at first. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window --- and that thought now controlled his life.
Late one night, as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room, he never moved, never pushed his own button, which would have brought the nurse running. In less than five minutes, the coughing and choking stopped, along with the sound of breathing. Now, there was only silence-deathly silence.
The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away-no words, no fuss. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed ...
... It faced a blank wall.
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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