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LYAO -
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Hillary's Question
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
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PUNISHING THE PRESIDENT
[from the Mining Company's (original name of About.com) Crime & Punishment pages [when run by Bill Bickel (Original link: http://crime.miningco.com/library/blfiles/blnaughtypresident.htm) - I searched for the link on the CIDU page then all over the internet and could not find it.]
[Ok. I BORROWED (read stole) these, of course! They were topical, and I know most, if not all of my LYAO pals don't check this page out. --LYAO Editor]
[Bill Bickel:] I got quite a collection of responses to last week's question. If I don't count the responses that made reference to Lorena Bobbit ... Well, there's still quite a lot, though that certainly cuts it down a bit. These were my favorites:
THE WINNER
(a gift certificate)[Name removed for privacy]: From Calvin & Hobbes's Calvinball strips, he could sing the "Sorry Song" instead of making another speech. From memory, it goes something like this:
This is the very sorry song
Won't you help me sing along
I'm sorry (he's sorry)
I blew it (he knew it)
etc.I hate his speeches anyway, so even if Clinton went around saying "Tigers are perfect the E-pitome of grace and quiet dignity" and everyone thought he was mad, it would be an improvement.
***
RUNNERS-UP
(Bottles of stain remover)[Name removed for privacy]: He has to stay in a monogamous relationship with Hillary for the next 25 years. From her expression lately ... he won't be having sex ever again.
***
[Name removed for privacy]: For being such a selfish pig and always glad to be on the receiving end of any encounter, Bubba shall have to, for the rest of his life, perform oral genital and/or oral anal sex on any woman* who requests it and he may never expect satisfaction for himself in return.
*Janet Reno has signed up to be first.
***
[Name removed for privacy]: I say we should have Bill Clinton re-enact that whole cigar thing with his wife, and we should make Ken Starr watch. Let's punish them all!
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HONORABLE MENTION
(No prizes, but I am mentioning you in an honorable manner)[Name removed for privacy]: Clinton should be required to wear Monica's blue dress for a year.
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[Name removed for privacy]: Appoint Chelsea "Presidential Intern for Life," beginning in 2001.
***
[Name removed for privacy]: Lock him, in a straitjacket, in a padded room. In one wall of this room will be a window -- on the other side of which will be a gaggle of nubile young females cavorting suggestively. In his food will be massive doses of Viagra.
***
[Name removed for privacy]: I have a great punishment. Bill Clinton should become the scapegoat of which to blame our character flaws so that way you can feel so much better about yourself. You will look so morally superior now. Congratulations.
***
[Name removed for privacy]: Put him in his undershirt and boxers, then make him stand on the edge of the Volume lane on the Santa Monica Freeway, holding a sign that reads:
"I'm sorry, America, for the draft, then the shaft."
Then, put him on a bus touring major cities throughout the U.S. - preferably the same route he took when first running for the presidency.
***
[Name removed for privacy]: Public humiliation. Oh, never mind. The press would never go for it.
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Closing Arguments for Clinton's Trial
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of US v.William J. Clinton:
10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess.
9. The economy's great, let the white boy skate.
8. If the bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, than it is not illegal.
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life.
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof.
2. Billy is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochran:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral.
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Casting the Clinton Scandal
[On Monday, 9/14/1998, Tom (of Bob and Tom) mentioned that Barry Bostwick should star as President Clinton in a movie about the scandal.
I sent them the following e-mail. If you don't know the Rocky Horror Picture Show (and most of you SHOULD, it's a fun movie!), you MIGHT want to skip this one. --LYAO Editor]
Bob and Tom,
[See the first paragraph, above, slightly edited]
As the current commercial says, "If you're gonna go, go all the way!"
How about carrying it out, so the other stars/characters of the Rocky Horror Picture Show play other characters:
The Clinton Scandal - starring the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show:
as Bill Clinton
Barry Bostwick (as Brad Majors - an Asshole - playing Mr. Clinton - another asshole)
as Monica Lewinsky
Susan Sarandon (as Janet Weiss - a slut - playing Ms. Lewinsky - another Slut)
as Kenneth Starr
Richard O'Brian (as Riff-Raff - a handyman - playing Starr - Janet Reno's Handyman)
as Linda Tripp
Tim Curry (as Frank-n-Furter - a scientist and not a particularly appealing-looking woman - playing Ms. Tripp - another not particularly appealing-looking woman)
as Betty Currie
Patricia Quinn (as Magenta - a domestic - playing Ms. Currie - Mr. Clinton's Secretary)
as Paula Jones
Little Nell/Laura Campbell (as Columbia - a groupie - playing Ms. Jones - a wannabe groupie)
as Vernon Jordan
Jonathan Adams (as Dr Everett V. Scott - a rival scientist, and Brad's and Janet's friend - playing Mr. Jordon - Mr. Clinton's and Ms. Lewinsky's friend)
as Madeline Albright
Peter Hinwood (as Rocky - a creation - playing Ms. Albright - Mr. Clinton's Secretary of State - another not particularly appealing-looking woman)
as Janet Reno
Charles Gray (as the Criminologist - he just sort of introduces everyone, and lets the story play out without intervention - playing Ms. Reno - they look a lot alike)
as Vincent Foster
Meatloaf (as Eddie - ex-delivery boy - in the picture for one song, and killed off early - playing Mr. Foster - who ... )
as the Grand Jury
The Transylvanians
***
As you can see, there are a lot of parallels to the Clinton Scandal and the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Have fun with this.
Long-time listener, Disney Trip winner, many time caller, faxer, and e-mailer.
[What do you LYAO readers think? Any other possible castings? Use your imagination, list the characters and actual stars that should play the principle parts in the Clinton Scandal, and send them to me. I will publish them (with or without your name, as desired) in an up-coming LYAO. --LYAO Editor]
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Warm MGD
[This came to me as true. YOU be the judge. --LYAO Editor]
An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design.
Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: Your cans are made of aluminum. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer). Warm beer sucks. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted then damn can. . . black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time.) These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes) Miller Lite (white can) 6.2 Bud (white can) 5.5 Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2 Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4 Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1 Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8 Coors (gold can) 0.1 It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker***
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter.
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents.
Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.
Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions.
From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers.
We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning." You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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A Story with a Moral ...
There is this fish in the water, and he is looking at a fly hovering over the water. "If that fly would drop six inches, I could jump out and grab it!"
There is a bear on the bank of the lake, and he is saying "If that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump out to get it and I could grab the fish!!"
There is a hunter in the forest, taking aim at the bear. He says "If that fly would drop six inches, then the fish would jump out and the bear would reach for the fish and come into the clear, then I could shot it!!!"
There is a mouse, hidden behind the hunter. He is looking at the hunter's cheese sandwich. He say's "If that fly would drop six inches, the fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich and go to shoot the bear and I could grab the cheese sandwich!!!!"
There is a cat standing further back from the mouse. She is saying, "If that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse would run for the sandwich, and I could grab that mouse in a second!!!!!"
Then it happened.
- The fly dropped six inches.
- The fish jumped up and got the fly!
- The bear reached out and grabbed the fish!!
- The hunter put his cheese sandwich down and shot the bear!!!
- The mouse ran and picked up the sandwich!!!!
- The cat lunged for the mouse, missed, and then ended up in the water!
So you ask, "What is the moral of the story?"
The moral of this story boys and girls is ...
"EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS SIX INCHES, A PUSSY GETS WET!!!!"
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Hey Masturbata Lyrics
(to the tune of Macarena)
Sitting in my house and I know that I'm alone
Feeling kinda horny, got a tingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey MasturbaterI go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey MasturbaterI use some baby oil or a little Vaseline
Layin' down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand 'cause you don't know where it's been
Hey MasturbaterI do it in my car when I'm driving down the street
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car 'cause I'm stickin' to the seat
Hey MasturbaterSince I was a kid I have been a Masturbater
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata
I've looked at Miss November, now I'm gonna decorate 'er
Hey MasturbaterBoppin' the banana, Mister Lizard shakin' bacon,
Poundin' on the flounder and it's mayonnaise I'm makin'
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, God my hand is achin'
Hey MasturbaterHey Masturbater ... Hey Masturbater
[NOTE: Here's a link to the .WAV file version I got in in email in 1997 or 1998, from which, these lyrics were transcribed. The last verse wasn't included in a number of the original transcriptions, and I guess the reason was that the transcriber couldn't make out all the words. I have transcribed it as best as I could. I've found that it was done by Opie and Anthony, two Shock Jocks (3rd from bottom in the page section on 02/24/2007). I have seen it listed as done by Adam Sandler, Cheech and Chong, Weird Al Yankovic and Tom Green. -LYAO Editor]
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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