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LYAO -
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Even More Steven Wright[-like] Quotes
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk is a work station ...
- I must always remember that I'm unique ... Just like everyone else.
- Can atheists get insurance for "acts of god?"
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
- If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they be called FedUp?
- If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
- I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
- How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead.?"
- If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- Is the hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the bread?
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
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More Courtroom Capers From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
(They're things people actually said in court, word for word. [HONEST!])
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
***
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis;-Does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
***
Q: How old is your son;-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
***
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
***
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
***
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
***
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
***
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
***
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
***
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
***
Q: Did he kill you?
***
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
***
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
***
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
***
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
***
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
***
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
***
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
***
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
***
Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world ...
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
***
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
***
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
***
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God ... "
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give ... "
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it."
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give ... "
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and ... "
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and ... "
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and ... "
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing ... ."
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth ... "
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth ... ?"
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth ... ."
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth ... "
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth ... "
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing," "But," "The," "Truth."
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
***
MORE Absolutely-True Testimony From Guaranteed-Actual Transcripts
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
***
From a defendant representing himself ...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
***
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
***
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
***
Lawyer, questioning his client on the witness stand ...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
***
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
***
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
***
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
***
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
***
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
***
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
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More Groaners
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
***
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
***
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
***
Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
***
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
***
A scientist cloned himself, but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.
The scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
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Grandma's Idea
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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