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LYAO -
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Read Instructions Before Using ...
Or the Value of Roof Preading
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
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For the Girls/Ladies/Women!
How Dogs And Men Are The Same
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Both have inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
- Neither does the dishes.
- Both pass gas shamelessly.
- Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither knows how to talk on the phone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
- Both jump on you when aren't in the mood to play.
***
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilt when they've done wrong.
- Dogs don't criticize your friends.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they don't laugh at the way you throw).
- Dogs don't feel threatened by intelligence.
- You can train a dog.
- You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
- The worst social disease you can get form a dog is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.
- Dogs understand what NO means.
- Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house.
- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
- Dogs admit it when they're lost.
- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
***
Where Men Are Better Then Dogs
- Men only have 2 feet that track in mud.
- Men can buy you presents.
- Men don't have to play with every man they see when you go for a walk.
- Men are a little more subtle.
- Men don't eat feces on the sly.
- Dogs have dog breath all the time.
- Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
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That "Anon" was a pretty clever guy ...
[from CIDU]
"Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable." --Anon
"An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing." --Anon
"I am a student. Please do not fold, spindle, or mutilate me." --Slogan of the Free Speech Movement, 1964.
"The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe." --Anon
"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out ... " --Anon
"What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator." --Anon
"Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?" --Anon
"Why doesn't DOS ever said "EXCELLENT command or filename!" --Anon
"BASIC - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company." --Anon
"I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself." --Anon
"Optimization hinders evolution." --Anon
"The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but that's because it's the best book on anything for layman." --Anon
"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue." --Anon
"COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key." --Anon
"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though." --Anon
"Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself." --Anon
"A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages." --Anon
"Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals ... with their eyes opened." --Anon
"Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night." --Anon
"Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN." --Anon
"Press any key ... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!" --Anon
"The Internet is like a vault with a screen door on the back. I don't need jackhammers and atom bomb to get in when I can walk through the door." --Anon
"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ... " --Anon
"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)" --Anon
"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours." --Anon
"Hit any user to continue." --Anon
"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying." --Anon
"There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works." --Anon
"Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad." --Anon
"Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|" --Anon
"C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN \RUN\DOS\RUN" --Anon
"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue." --Anon
"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can." --Anon
"f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng." --Anon
"If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing." --Anon
"Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium." --Anon
"Old hackers never die. They just go to bitnet." --Anon
"Old programmers never die. They just branch out to a new address." --Anon
"Old programmers never die. They just can't C as well." --Anon
"Ooops!. My brain just hit a bad sector." --Anon
"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand." --Anon
"Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ... " --Anon
"Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." --Anon
"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable." --Anon
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway." --Anon
"Don't steal. The government hates competition." --Anon
"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it." --Anon
"Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently." --Anon
"Silence is one great art of conversation." --Anon
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." --Anon
"Religions change, but beer and wine remain." --Anon
"The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry." --Anon
"Reality can be beaten with enough imagination." --Anon
"Life is wasted on the living." --Anon
"LSD melts your mind, not in your hand." --Anon
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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