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The Bad Day
(An Undoubtedly True Story
[Uh ... No, it's not -LYAO Editor])
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day ...
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More Dilbert Stuff
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are some of the submissions ...
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond,WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
"How About Friday?"
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
Speaking the Same Language
As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.
The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired--and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.
Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)
This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company:
"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
(Lucent Technologies)
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Presidential Personalities
Five of our Presidents: Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats!"
Carter said, "Women and children first!"
Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
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The Constitution Of Love Preamble
We the young, in order to for a more perfect kiss, enable to hug ...
To promote the popularity of Love, not to kiss who you please, but to please who you kiss.
CODE
- If you Love someone, show them and say so
STATEMENT
- If a kiss is the language of Love ... Then we have lot to talk about
METHODS OF LOVE
- Kiss on the ear is "I'm Horny"
- Kiss on the cheek is "We're Friends"
- Kiss on the hand is "I Adore You"
- Kiss on the shoulder is "I Want You"
- Kiss on the lips is "I Love You"
- Kiss on everywhere else is "Let's get Busy"
- Holding hands is "We Can Learn To Love Each Other"
- A wink is "Let's Get It On"
- Slap on the butt is "Watch Out"
- Playing with the ear is "I Can't Live Without You"
- Arms around the waist is "I Love You To Much To Let Go"
- Pulling hair on head is "Tell Me You Love Me"
- Looking into each other's eyes is "Let's Get Romantic"
- Holding on thight is "Don't Let Go"
ADVICE
- If you are kissing someone, close your eyes, it's not nice to stare
REQUIREMENTS
[Only if you really want to --LYAO Editor]After reading this letter, you must send this to as many people and possible
- 0-2 people- you'll have a bad year of love
- 3-7 person- you'll become friends with a your crush
- 8-12 people- a person your crush will look at you in a different way (if you know what I mean)
- 13-18 people- your crush will ask you out
- 19-25 people- your relationship with your crush will last for long time
GOOD LUCK & HAPPY LOVING!!!!!
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The Wedding Present
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." o he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he's seen them.
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Well, look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
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"And the cock crowed ... "
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot ... I thought maybe you were my son."
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1st Graders Completing Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected some well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are their completions:
- Better To Be Safe Than ... Punch A 5th Grader.
- Strike While The ... Bug Is Close.
- It's Always Darkest Before ... Daylight Savings Time.
- Never Under Estimate The Power Of ... Termites.
- You Can Lead A Horse To Water But ... How?
- Don't Bite The Hand That ... Looks Dirty.
- No News Is ... Impossible.
- A Miss Is As Good As A ... Mr.
- You Can't Teach An Old Dog New ... Math.
- If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll ... Smell funny in the morning.
- Love All, Trust.. Me
- The Pen Is Mightier Than The ... Pigs.
- An Idle Mind Is ... The Best Way To Relax.
- Where There's Smoke, There's ... Pollution.
- A Penny Saved Is ... Not Much.
- Two's Company, Three's ... The Musketeers.
- Don't Put Off Until Tomorrow What ... you put on to go to bed tonight.
- Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And ... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
- None Is So Blind As ... Helen Keller.
- Children Should Be Seen And Not ... Spanked Or Grounded.
- If At First You Don't Succeed ... Get New Batteries.
- You Get Out Of Something What You ... See Pictured On The Box.
- When The Blind Leadeth The Blind ... You better get out of the way.
- There Is No Fool Like ... Aunt Edie.
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What NOT to Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!"
The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "Me too."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?"
I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
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Quotes of the Day
There's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W.C. FIELDS
***
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" -- R.R.W.
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Jesus for Supper
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again, and there was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She opened and read the letter:
Dear Ruth,
I'm going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I'd like to stop by for a visit.
Love Always,
Jesus
Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table. "Why would Jesus want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer." With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets. "Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner."
She reached for her purse and counted out its contents. Five dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least." She threw on her coat and hurried out the door. A loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk leaving Ruth with a grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday. Nonetheless, she felt satisfied as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.
"Hey lady, can you help us?" Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags. "Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us, lady, we'd really appreciate it."
Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and, frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.
"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."
"Yeah, well, OK lady, I understand. Thanks anyway." The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and headed back into the alley.
As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart
"Sir, wait!"
The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you come with me and we'll have dinner at my home. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."
"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"
"Yes, thank you!" said the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering. Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders. Then smiling, they turned and walked with Ruth back to her home.
Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. Jesus was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him.
Ruth agreed to prepare the meal while the dirty couple would take nice hot showers. After their showers, she fixed them up with some clean warm clothes, and cocoa.
After a very comfortable dinner, Ruth was in the kitchen cleaning up the mess and doing the dishes. When she had returned to the dining area, the couple was gone. She ran to the door and looked each direction but saw no sign of anyone in sight. When she sat down in the dining area in confusion, she found a note which was left on one of the chairs where they had just eaten.
Dear Ruth,
It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal, and the hospitality. And thank you, too, for being a beautiful, generous person.
Love Always,
Jesus
Very confused Ruth walked into the kitchen holding her note, and noticed the refrigerator, every cupboard, and every counter-top in her kitchen was overflowing and running over with food of all kinds. Fruits, vegetables, meats, canned goods, bread, cereals, anything you could possibly imagine.
It was at this time she realized she just had dinner with Jesus.
God bless you and please pass this on.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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