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LYAO -
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Something Kenneth Starr Might Or Might Not Have Said To Diane Sawyer In 1987:
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'. Pornography is pornography regardless of the source"
[Oh, Ken. Wasn't your name on a certain report that, by YOUR definition of the term, was "pornographic?" AND, wasn't that report disseminated to the public through TV, newspapers, books, and the Internet, "under the public's 'right to know'?" I guess "society should be purged of the perverts ... " like YOU, too, huh?
By the way, Ken, if you KNEW what "pornography" was -- if you could recognize it when you saw it, instead of relying on some vague description -- you wouldn't have had to ask some of your subordinates what some of the terms used in testimony and YOUR report meant! --LYAO Editor]
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Rules that Guys wish Girls knew
- If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat a-- in a gym.
- Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
- Don't cut your hair. Ever.
- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
- Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
- Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not sport.
- Anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
- Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
- Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
- No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. Wipe it up or let it dry, just stop bitching about it.
- Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
- Check your oil.
- Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in your stupid magazines together.
- Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
- Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
- Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
- Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
- Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
- The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
- Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY,
- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
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Quote of the Day
A hearse has no luggage rack.
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Knock Knock Joke ...
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her most unattractive nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
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Responses
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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" ... To Come To the Aid ... "
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
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More [LYAO-Style] Life's Lessons
- Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for happiness in more places.
- Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
- Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
- The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
- When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
- A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
- A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink.
- The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
- Money isn't everything ... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
- Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
- A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
- A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
- If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: There are some things you just CANNOT explain ...
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again? So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset! So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. There are some things you just CANNOT explain.
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The Atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking him for what he was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph ... I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell, then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumpin', singin', and shoutin' everywhere!
The atheist jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
The lady burst out laughing, shouting and kicking her feet in a "Praise the Lord" hysterical fit. When he asked her what was so funny she simply responded, "Honey, not only did the Lord provide me with some groceries, but he also made the DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
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Undertaker
Two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.
"You want to talk about excitement. I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
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Do the Hustle!
An elderly couple were watching television one night when the husband said, "Doris, inflation has eaten up our Social Security checks. The next ones aren't due for another week and we don't have enough money for food. I hate to suggest this, but you're going to have to go out on the street and hustle."
"Hustle?! Me?!" she exclaimed. "But I'm 78!"
"It's the only way," her husband concluded sadly.
Resigned to the situation, the old woman went out onto the streets and didn't come staggering home until early the next morning. "Here," she said, "I made $3.05."
"Three dollars and five cents! Who gave you the five cents??""
"All of them," she replied.
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Information, Please (Never Underestimate ... )
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well the polished old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person - her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. "Information Please" could supply anybody's number ... and the correct time.
My first personal experience with this genie-in the-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the foot stool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information"
"I hurt my finger ... " I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me." I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?"
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was unconsoled.
I asked her, " Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice. "How do you spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home, and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.
As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half an hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information, Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, "Information."
I hadn't planned this but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
I laughed. "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time."
"I wonder," she said, "If you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years, and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered "Information."
I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" She said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, she said. Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Anonymous
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Fishing For a Punch Line
There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
"Yes," she replied, "I used to enjoy fishing with my late husband."
The man agreed to pick her up the next morning before daybreak. They reached the river at 6 a.m. and began fishing. After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped the man. They had passionate sex.
After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down," and once again, the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again tomorrow. The woman agreed.
At 6 the next morning, they got to the river. "Up or Down" the hopeful man asked. "Down" the woman replied. A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork.
"Up or Down," the man asked.
"Up," the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Oh my!" gasped the woman. "Yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you were saying, 'F-ck or Drown!' "
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More "Quickies"
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
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A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind."
The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
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What's the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip.
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Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night when two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start raping them.
The first nun looks up toward Heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does."
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If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
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What's the definition of a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dickheads.
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What's a birth control pill?
The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from becoming pregnant.
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What do you call a fancy restaurant when all of the gay employees are home sick?
Closed.
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Why is a joke like a pussy?
Neither is any fun if you don't get it.
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Why is sex like playing bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
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Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on board a commercial airliner?
He was arrested for skyjacking.
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One guy asks another guy, "Do you remember your first blowjob?"
"Oh, yeah," the other guy replied. "And it tasted GREAT!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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