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LYAO -
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The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.
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Lead Me
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret, the bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the bridegroom, praying. "So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of the guidance," she replied. "You just pray for endurance."
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From "The Women's Dictionary"
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v., to go to the cash machine and hit "Inquire."
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How To Tell When Your Food Is Spoiled
submitted [originally] by Patricia Kunic
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator-- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, "Can I eat this or will it kill me?"
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
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The Gag Test
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
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Eggs
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
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Dairy Products
- Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
- Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
- Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
- Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
- Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
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Mayonnaise
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
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Frozen Foods
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
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Expiration Dates
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
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Meat
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
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Bread
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy- and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
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Flour
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
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Lettuce
Bib lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one)
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Canned Goods
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
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Carrots
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
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Raisins
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
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Potatoes
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
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Chip Dip
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
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Empty Containers
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
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Unmarked Items
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
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General Rule of Thumb
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
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Football
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a dead nude female body.
Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49er fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Cowboys fan took his cap off and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49er cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Cowboys fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Cowboys hat, I find an asshole."
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All About Marriage ... Quotes about relationships
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." --Author Unnamed
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The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. --Ann Bancroft
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Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.--Bill Cosby
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. --HennyYoungman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --Milton Berle
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --George Burns
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner
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When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. --Phyllis Diller
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My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.--Henny Youngman
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People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually,it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck
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More Clinton
[This works in Word 97. I don't know about any of the other versions. --LYAO Editor]
- Open a new Microsoft Word.
- Type the sentence: I'd like Bill Clinton to resign.
- Highlight the sentence.
- Press Shift-F7 or otherwise call up the Thesaurus.
- Read what the Thesaurus says to replace it with.
[I forget what it said ... Sorry. Anyone have Word 97 around? Give it a try and let me know. -LYAO Editor]
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Teach Your Children
A six-year-old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says. "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."
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Frosty
An Eskimo's car breaks down and he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic checks out his car and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The Eskimo says, "No, that's just frost on my moustache."
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Quickies
What do you call a turtle having sex?
A slow poke.
Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop!
Quote of the Day
If you can't say something nice about someone, come sit over here next to me.
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All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Noah's Ark
[INSPRIATIONAL STORY ALERT]
- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
- Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
- Build on high ground.
- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
- Two heads are better than one.
- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
- If you can't fight or flee -- float!
- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
- When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
- Stay below deck during the storm.
- Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
- Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
- Don't miss the boat.
- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
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Choices
[INSPRIATIONAL STORY ALERT]
Read this, and let it really sink in ... Then choose how you start your day tomorrow ...
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Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant.
The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "the first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, " ... the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
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You have two choices now [from the original message. It's not necessary, if you don't want to. --LYAO Editor]:
- Delete this.
- Forward it to the people you care about. Hope you will choose #2.
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All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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